Thursday, September 10, 2009

Desperately Seeking

I loathe going to the grocery store. I’ve sent my children to school with frozen cocktail weenies and stale oyster crackers to avoid going to the store. I detest folding laundry and I’m a shit cook. I basically suck at being a "house wife." I’ve got the "wife" part down it’s the "house" that’s inferior. I‘m not gonna lie, I don’t really want to improve in these areas. Here’s what I propose instead: Polygamy. I’m not talking about your grandfather’s Polygamy. I’m talking about "Polygamy Light." It’s a watered down version born out of laziness and a ghastly economy. It’s less about procreating and more about helping me take care of my kids for free. It really does take a village. I see how happy those toothless, saggy old tribal women are. It’s because bitch’s got three or four hos doing shit around the village for her. She has one job and it’s to sit in front of a fire and sift rice. I want to sit on a straw mat and shuck something all day.

The idea of a sister-wife appeals to me on many levels. How great would it be if you could dash out for a mani/pedi and leave a note saying: "Dear sister-wife Alice, please fold the laundry, potty train little Jimmy and blow my husband." I could allow another woman to blow my husband as long as she makes dinner and goes down to the basement to get more paper towels. The rules of Polygamy Light are a little different. For one, first wife gets to pick all future sister-wives and she can't have kids. Most importantly though is the very strict No Holes or Hands Policy which husbands must abide by or all bets are off. Sister-wives are regularly serviced by pool boys or lifeguards. I see this as a win-win situation. It would be like the "Sisterhood of the Traveling Penis" or "The Joy Laundry Club."

I understand there will be naysayers and I’m not denying there are kinks but think about the benefits. Polygamy Light could significantly shrink the divorce rate. If your marriage is on the rocks take in a sister wife. Tell your first wife she doesn’t have to pick up your dry cleaning anymore and she has someone to watch Gossip Girl with and she’ll be good to go. For those of you wondering what to do if the situation is reversed you can practice "Polyandry Light" but that’s a different ball of wax. So, do you think I can put an ad on Craigslist?

13 comments:

Wendi said...

You are totally on to something here. And I'm not just saying that because I'm able to make a perfect shelf-bang with my hair.

Scary Mommy said...

As long as I get to be head wife, I'm all for it. Seriously, bring it on. I'm game!!

helltygr said...

My husband and I have been discussing this for years.
Well, no, we don't want another wife, we need a mom of our own. But a sister-wife would be awesome: I LOOOVEEE to cook, not so much follow after myself in the kitchen.

12gViolet said...

ROFL, too funny. I'm hopping over from The Mouthy Housewives but I think I may just stick around because you're funny as shit and I need a few good laughs. (And orgasms, but I think I'll appeal to the boy toy for that one, sorry.)

But seriously, you're SO on to something. Find yourself a chick who doesn't totally irritate you, who can't/won't have kids, likes doing the shitty stuff around the house for free room and board and aforementioned pool boys, and shit yeah! And I don't think the man of the house would object to some extra blowjobs. Sounds like heaven, where do I sign up?

BabyonBored said...

This is the best idea ever. I would weep with joy if someone would blow my husband. Just once. As a favor. Thank you. Thank you.

Halala Mama said...

Let's be clear. You can put ANYTHING on Craig's list.. so why not this. You'd probably get an answer. :)

Lady Of The House Copyright 2009. All rights reserved said...

Thanks ladies for the awesome comments and becoming followers.

Aunt Becky said...

Hells to the yes. You can be my wife. Your the blow job wife, tho.

notthatmom said...

hahahaha You are hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh ;o)

phd in yogurtry said...

as long as there's a sister-PTA-volunteer, I'm so there.

Sarah said...

i have no funnier words to place here in this here comment box than have already been said. frickin' freakin' hysterical. all of it. following now, head wife.

oh right. and i double dog dare you to place that shit on craigslist. double dog. i may even travel south a bit and blow your hubs for you if you do. um, weird much? ah, whatev...

Rebecca said...

Sounds quite humorous. Go ahead and post an ad on craigslist....Might make the 'best of' list which is always interesting to read.

Becky aka MsBatman said...

Maybe I'm weird, ok, that's sort of a given, so,uh yeah, I guess I'm the minority here. I don't want the sister-wife giving my man the blowjobs. She just needs to cook and clean and look after the kids.

I guess that would just be a maid, huh?