I loathe going to the grocery store. I’ve sent my children to school with frozen cocktail weenies and stale oyster crackers to avoid going to the store. I detest folding laundry and I’m a shit cook. I basically suck at being a "house wife." I’ve got the "wife" part down it’s the "house" that’s inferior. I‘m not gonna lie, I don’t really want to improve in these areas. Here’s what I propose instead: Polygamy. I’m not talking about your grandfather’s Polygamy. I’m talking about "Polygamy Light." It’s a watered down version born out of laziness and a ghastly economy. It’s less about procreating and more about helping me take care of my kids for free. It really does take a village. I see how happy those toothless, saggy old tribal women are. It’s because bitch’s got three or four hos doing shit around the village for her. She has one job and it’s to sit in front of a fire and sift rice. I want to sit on a straw mat and shuck something all day.
The idea of a sister-wife appeals to me on many levels. How great would it be if you could dash out for a mani/pedi and leave a note saying: "Dear sister-wife Alice, please fold the laundry, potty train little Jimmy and blow my husband." I could allow another woman to blow my husband as long as she makes dinner and goes down to the basement to get more paper towels. The rules of Polygamy Light are a little different. For one, first wife gets to pick all future sister-wives and she can't have kids. Most importantly though is the very strict No Holes or Hands Policy which husbands must abide by or all bets are off. Sister-wives are regularly serviced by pool boys or lifeguards. I see this as a win-win situation. It would be like the "Sisterhood of the Traveling Penis" or "The Joy Laundry Club."
I understand there will be naysayers and I’m not denying there are kinks but think about the benefits. Polygamy Light could significantly shrink the divorce rate. If your marriage is on the rocks take in a sister wife. Tell your first wife she doesn’t have to pick up your dry cleaning anymore and she has someone to watch Gossip Girl with and she’ll be good to go. For those of you wondering what to do if the situation is reversed you can practice "Polyandry Light" but that’s a different ball of wax. So, do you think I can put an ad on Craigslist?