Monday, October 12, 2009

"Like, Oh My God"

God is punishing me with adult acne. There is nothing adult about acne. This humiliation should only affect teenagers and Meth addicts. I can accept the corpulent nightmare that is my post baby body but leave my face alone. Women my age should be concerned with correcting fine lines and wrinkles, not performing late term abortions on their chins. I wasn’t particularly zitty as a teen so I never went beyond using tooth paste and Witch Hazel as assailants. Frankly, I had perky teenage boobs. I could have looked like Rocky Dennis and still gotten play. These new monsters are unyielding. They’re like Russian stacking dolls where each new layer uncovers a smaller yet achingly similar version of the previous zit. After months of shame and strategically placed band-aids I went to see the Dermatologist.

My dermatologist is a judgmental twat with porcelain skin who I like to refer to as "Powder." I swear she removes moles from my body solely based on how tan I am. One time I popped in for a prescription renewal and she had me ass out with a scalpel and numbing cream in her hands. I know she went to medical school but honestly does she really qualify to see me naked? When I told her about my little predicament she said "go on the pill." I’ve been down that road before and acting "crazy as fuck" is only cute in your 20’s. Now it’s grounds for divorce. Besides, I can’t imagine telling my husband, "Sorry the doc cut your nuts hon, but I’m gonna go ahead and go back on the pill."

After months of unsuccessfully trying serums and creams, I went back to her guns and face blazing demanding she rid me of this acne. This is my time to shine! She finally agreed to put me on Acutaine but I need to take a pregnancy test first. Ummm… Hello? Who wants to fuck a pimple with saggy boobs?

13 comments:

Kelly said...

I feel your pain!!! My face is constantly breaking out, and the solution I was given was the pill. Unfortunately, even if I wasnt pregnant, I couldn't take it. My body rejects the pill like the plague. I never broke out as a teen, and I too think this is totally unfair.

Kathy said...

You crack me the hell up! More people have adult acne then ever before - WTF? Love the line about being "crazy as fuck" - that is me on the pill too!

phd in yogurtry said...

Like stretch marks and extra poundage aren't punishment enough. Hope the acutain works. I didn't know this treatment was still around. It worked wonders for my brother, years ago.

kefaustin said...

Accutane is a miracle! I had occasional break-outs and after two rounds of accutane (a couple of years apart), I can't remember when I got a pimple last. Not even during pregnancy! Stock up on aquafor (like vaseline) and keep it EVERYWHERE. But trust me, you're gonna love your skin

12gViolet said...

Hehe, "crazy as fuck." You make it sound so nice and amusing. If you're anything like me while on The Pill of Horrors, homicide no longer sounds objectionable, and those squirrels? You know, the ones outside plotting to kill you? You've named them, and have dreams about squirrel BBQ. (I wish to god I were kidding.)

Now, hopefully the Acutaine works. Because getting a guy to let someone cut his nuts is a victory of the highest order and requires (requires!) regular post-op sex so he doesn't hate you for the rest of his life.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Are you me? I mean, right down to the corpulent post-baby body, your description of yourself fits me to a tee.

Except TV producer. But you know. We can't all have awesome former jobs.

Aunt Becky said...

I don't know how I'm not humping the computer, thinking of your sexiness.

kyslp said...

I've got the same thing going on here in Pizza Face town, my dear. I had smooth, clear skin as a teen. My derm said "It's just hormones". She did give me some retin-a and a topical antibiotic. They help a little but don't clear it up all the way.

Lady Of The House said...

Kyslp I use Retin A but just for wrinkles. I have tried to use antibiotics but honestly these beasts know no mercy. Aunt Becky, I am ZEXY and you know it.

Jen said...

I never had perky boobs. Barely had them at all, actually. And now, three kids later, UM. But ADULT ACNE is the worst. WTF? Crazy as fuck for sure.

Lotus Flower Herbals said...

HAHAHAHA! they keep getting better. seriously try some Tea Tree oil, I am an Esthetician and I swear it helps! oh and this:
http://www.skinceuticals.com/_us/_en/catalog/correct/Phyto-Corrective-Gel.htm
It has helped 99% of my clients. try it!!

Sarcasica said...

ROLF this post is also fantastic - came here via Karen Sugarpants and omg you are fantastic lol!

Lady Of The House said...

why thank you for coming and thank Ms. Sugarpants.