Sunday, October 18, 2009

Progress Not Perfection

My iPhone stopped working. I hate technology and reluctantly went to the AT&T store. As soon as I put my phone on the counter the bitchy queen who worked there shrieked, "Upgrade!" I said, "Excuse me?" He said, "You need a upgrade. Go to the Apple store." I’m not used to being spoken to in this manner but girlfriend had such a violent reaction to my first generation phone I went straight to the Apple Store. I was quickly approached by an overweight geeky bouncer type wearing a headset. He asked me if I had an appointment with one of the Geniuses at the Genius Bar. Was this a trick question? Was it code for entry into an underground club? I showed him my phone and told him it stopped syncing with my computer. He told me I needed an appointment with a Genius but ultimately I’ll need to upgrade. This got me thinking. There are many areas of life in need of a serious upgrade.

Take some of the state capitals for instance. Albany? Really? This is the capital of New York? I spent four years in Albany and I can tell you right now they don’t have their finger on the pulse. How about NEW YORK CITY! The name alone screams capital. Frankly, I was down right shocked to discover LA isn’t California’s capital. Sacramento? Isn’t that a clam and tomato cocktail? I know Florida is a big place but Tallahassee? Are there even Jews there? Don’t get me started about Washington State and Washington, DC. Why do we need two places with the same name? Washington, DC isn’t even a state; it’s the District of Columbia. What does that even mean? Is this meant to confuse terrorists? I get the whole North & South Carolina thing because they’re connected, but we should just call Washington State, Seattle. Was Olympia the birthplace of the almighty Starbucks?

Prostitution needs an upgrade. I was recently in Las Vegas where they have a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy regarding hookers. You know what? It didn’t bother me. What’s the big deal? Bottom line is some men and women are going to have sex with prostitutes. Make it legal, safe and tax that shit. I think hookers and non-hookers can peacefully co-exist. Maybe we can even work as a team. I’d love a hooker in my back pocket giving me sex tips. Why not add a Lady of the Evening to your ladies night out. I bet you’ll have a better time and you can help make them look less whore-y.

The next big "thing" to get a much needed upgrade is Marijuana. Pot should be legal. Legalizing pot would help save our economy. The food industry would go through the roof and network television would seem so much funnier. I agree we need rules but let’s lighten up a bit. Orthodox Jews also need to lighten up. I totally support their style and observing the Sabbath is extremely green, so I guess it’s just the food and hair stuff. Making your wife shave her pubes only to wear a Merkin is down right cruel. No one is going to steal your women. It’s bad enough she wears support hose and a wool hat in August, let her have her hair. Just so you know, having a milkshake with a bacon cheeseburger is a religious experience.

Work is another area where we are due for an upgrade. I know we’ve come a long way from our ancestors working from sun up ‘til sun down but they died at 32. What’s so wrong with a 4 day work week? Life would be so much better if we could have a daily siesta instead of quickly eating at our desks. Most importantly the Solar System needs an upgrade because I need a new vacation spot.

19 comments:

mandatorybloghere said...

I hate customer service. I went to the social security office to change my name as they caught it after 9 years of filing taxes that i was um either a Liar or hadnt changed my name. The ss lady said this marriage certificate is no good. We cant take it. I was all like YEEEHAWWWW you mean i am not married?Could you put that in writing? Bitch took it anyway. But i found the secret key to CS you have to act all happy. OK you need to talk to someone else.YAY you need an upgrade YAY you need an appointment cant help you OH THANK GOD!! works every time

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapclapclapclapclap.

(That was one of those slow claps that gradually builds into a frenzied crescendo, but that's really hard to type.)

I love this post, and agree with every single word. Even "and" & "the."

Lady Of The House said...

Love you for the slow build clap. Next to the make-over scene the slow clap is a fave.

Beck said...

Really funny post. I totally agree with shorter work week or like France we have wine with lunch. I would opt-in for either plan.

Lady Of The House said...

Thanks Beck. Who do we need to speak to about this? Not our prez as he wants a longer school year. Maybe if we get him stoned? Thanks for the support.

12gViolet said...

Let's see... 4-day work weeks, mid-day siesta (There are STUDIES, people! Sleep increases productivity. STUDIES!), put recess back in school (Because even if my kid gets his head bonked once in a while, I'm fucking ecstatic that he's not a raging maniac at home and he's not morbidly obese. Pros and cons, people.), add naps to every damn grade 'cause that ending it in kindergarten shit is whack, and everyone should be allowed to drink milkshakes with their bacon cheeseburgers. Hell yeah.

Wave to the longest run-on sentence! Hi!

kys said...

Loves it! This would be a great group blog post. I'm sure we all could name some things in our lives that need an upgrade.

Lady Of The House said...

My underwear for instance. I have the most disgusting underwear. It's sad actually.

Lotus Flower Herbals said...

amen. how have I existed this long without reading your blog? HILARIOUS. so glad I checked your box :)

Karen Sugarpants said...

I love you. If for nothing else but the ganja. Course, I'm Canadian so it's illegal up here but really? Nobody cares if Mom's in the garage in broad daylight smokin' a doob with her coffee, eh!

Lady Of The House said...

Thanks Karen. It should be legal lover. If I was high I would eat your sugarpants!

Mission Musings said...

I am incensed by this post. It's always fun 'til someone loses an eye. Did you know marijuana causes holes in brain (think, swiss cheese) and can bring on schizophrenia in folks who are predisposed to this illness? That's one toke too many. Do you know that prostitutes are NOT like Julia on Pretty Woman, but are often lead to this lifestyle due to abuse, and trapped into it by developing a serious addiction to drugs? DO see. And DO tell. Please.

Lady Of The House said...

So when are we hanging out?

Miranda said...

The entire state of Washington changed to Seattle? or just the capital...because I think it should be changed to Seattle. Anytime I say "I'm from Washington, or I live in Washington" People automatically say "I LOVE Seattle" That's great, but I don't live there. Same with Oregon. Did you know there were other places in Oregon to live BESIDES Portland?? Weird?!
(I found you on twitter BTW, and now I'm going to read more..)
I don't think I'd be allowed in an Apple store, I'm soo not cool enough. I've got a hand-me-down first gen iPod from my sister, I think itt was one of the first ones made...That dude would bounce me right out of there quick!

Renegade Mom 2 said...

If I wore underwear, they'd be a little wet after reading this.

I'm in love with my new cyber lover and I don't even know your name. Now tell me how to make that drop box for your html cyber lover badge, vag.

~RM2

Lady Of The House said...

Ren2 (like Rintu on Knee jab Kai Lan) I have no fucking idea how to make that thing. Another cyber lover took pity on me and made it. Let me see if I still have her e-mail. If I do I will forward it. Wait, do you want to put mine on your site or make your own to have people put on their sites?

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

but did you get a new iphone? sorry, i just wanted to know...

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Lady Of The House said...

Not only did I get a new iphone but I got the 3G for FREE. The GENIOUS at the Genious Bar fucked my shit up and lost all my data from my old phone.

Jen said...

Hey. This is an AWESOME idea. Upgrades. 4-day work week. Yes yes yes. And I know what you mean about Albany. I'm going to start thinking about other upgrade areas. Yes indeedy.