Monday, November 30, 2009

Gumballs of Wisdom

I feel so geriatric saying this but, they just don’t make television shows like they used to. Specifically, what ever happened to the ABC After School Special? I think today’s teens are partially in a shit storm because they’re missing valuable life lessons brought to them by B list actors. You don’t think I became the well informed woman I am today because of solid parenting? Hell no! Helen Hunt gracefully taught me how to fly “Air Angel Dust” and Rob Lowe proved not all Baby Daddy’s are bad in “School Boy Father.” Think about how beneficial it would be for today’s youth to see Leighton Meester ruin her reputation by attending a high school rainbow party. Kristy McNichol could play the “been there, done that” social worker who helps Leighton re-gain her self worth. Playing a pedophile could be just what the Dr. ordered to breathe new life into Leif Garrett’s career. It’s a proven fact: teenagers don’t listen to their parents but they DO listen to Paris Hilton. She would be perfect for an A.S.S on the dangers of herpes.

As a child, I remember watching John Travolta’s riveting performance in “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.” Sure I laughed when he donned a space suit to attend school. I laughed even harder when Mr. Brady unplugged said suit from the car lighter and advised Johnny boy to, “Get your current where you find it.” Now that I have children, I’m an advocate for the plastic bubble as long as it’s BPA free. Between Lice and H1N1 I don’t want my kids to have physical contact with the outside world. I’ve become a proud Germaphobe. If I wasn’t afraid of catching scabies from the unwashed masses I would start a Germaphobe parade and lead that shit down 5th Ave.

Bounce houses, ball pits, water rooms and indoor play spaces in general have wreaked havoc on my life. Obviously I feel badly when my children get sick but in all honesty, I feel worse for myself. Not only will I not sleep for a minimum of 3 days but chances are I will catch whatever plague they have and still have to take care of them. When you’re young and childless you could have pneumonia on Thursday and still go for Happy Hour on Friday. If you were dating someone there was even a certain romance to falling ill. They would fetch you soup and give backrubs. Now I could be vomiting and would still have to make Annie’s Mac and Cheese.

Honestly, I could get on board with some entertaining parental wisdom in the afternoon from someone other than Oprah. You know, maybe have Sarah Michelle Gellar take a stand by nursing her baby in public or watch Soleil Moon Frye make a triumphant return to television as a mother trying to lose weight by any means necessary in “Over Exercised.” To quote one of my first ABC After School Specials, "My Mom’s Having a Baby": “I gotta go watch the baby. Can we work on this later?”

17 comments:

Jules said...

I DO miss those After School Specials! Although, that 'Boy in the Bubble' one really creeped me out.....But I definitely see why my parents didn't have to talk to me much.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I'm all about the Linda Blair vehicle, "Sarah T. Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic."

Stone Fox said...

i learned all my Righteous Living ways from NBC's The More You Know.. vignettes. they were like a mini-A.S.S. also, the "drugs, drugs, drugs, which are good? which are bad? drugs, drugs, drugs, ask your mom or ask your dad" song. don't remember what it was called. "drugs," maybe? whatever, it kicked solid ass.

CarrieJ said...

After school specials were the BOMB! My school would have a movie afternoon, and we would all get a paper lunch bag of popcorn that was like three days old, and we would absorb the wisdom! Those were the days!!

Mwa said...

We never had these, but anything with Rob Lowe in it is good for me.

Kristen said...

The closest I've come recently to the bliss of the A.S.S. was when Blossom appeared on a very special episode of "What Not to Wear." Her tragic descent into bad fashion (actually not so different from what she wore in the 80s) was not to be missed.

Loved this post. Thanks for the laugh.

excavator said...

Boy i'm with you about feeling really bad for myself when my kids get sick. When I was a sick kid I was a docile little thing, watching TV, reading books, sipping 7 up. My kids don't lose one watt of their energy level, or their voracious desire to be entertained, after keeping me up half the night with multiple sheet changes. I am the only one in the family who doesn't get stomach related illnesses (except when pregnant, and that won't be happening again), and I am the only one who knows how to put vomit where it belongs--neatly in the toilet!

And god is truly not a woman if he can allow a mother who has to take care of kids to get sick with whatever they got.

I stopped by from Mommy Wants Vodka. Enjoyed your post.

mixorr said...

(1) I think you give too much credit to the likes of Scott Baio since you called them B list, I mean Kathy Griffin is on the D list for christ sake, that would make their list OMEGA perhaps?

(2) My fav. after school special involved Willie Ames and Scott Baio....they WERE BFF's until someone got high at the lake and drowned, and then the other had to live with the guilt for the rest of their life....I never got high at a lake with just ONE other person after that happened!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

We must be from the same after school special era. What did happen to those?? Oh, they moved to Lifetime and hallmark!! Over from Aunt Becky's and a new follower!

Lady Of The House said...

Welcome Aunt Becky people. So happy to have you in my box. After school specials RULE. Lifetime and Hallmark are too vagina-y. I needs me some men!

Peggy said...

I freaking LOVED those shows! The Helen Hunt one was my absolute favorite! Haha...I still laugh about that one!

Rebecca said...

I remember watching after school specials too.......they were good shows. Now the kids turn the tube on and watch.....Springer?

Aunt Becky said...

My LIFE is an after school special.

WhyIsDaddyCrying said...

Having just gone through a massive H1N1 infestation in my house, I couldn't help but obsess over the truth you preached about germaphobes! Before kids I'd preach to whoever would listen, "I don't worry about washing hands and stuff cause I wanna keep my immune system strong and ready!" then I'd beat my chest, flex, and high five a random dude.

Now - even if the cat freakin sneezes, I whip out the Lysol, sanitize everyone's hands, and rip sheets, pillows, etc.. off everyone's beds for the wash.

I've turned into a little Germaphobe bitch...

6512 and growing said...

Afterschool 80's television with a bowlful of kraft macaroni and cheese sums it all up.

allconsoffun said...

can i get an amen?! jeebeez woman. you preach it. in a time where there's not even a "latch key" program for miles around & these tweens & teens are babysitting themselves, they need good quality TV. i'd like to see a lil Justin Timberlake bring some sexy back to an A.S.S. & teach these lil ho's & bro's about catching an STD or AIDS...that shit almost makes teen pregnancy the least of their probs.

55 kudos just because...

Jessica said...

Um, I used to be OBSESSED with after school specials. Usually because they consisted of teenage pregnancy and sex and stuff that was out of my realm of knowledge. I wish they'd come back.