I feel so geriatric saying this but, they just don’t make television shows like they used to. Specifically, what ever happened to the ABC After School Special? I think today’s teens are partially in a shit storm because they’re missing valuable life lessons brought to them by B list actors. You don’t think I became the well informed woman I am today because of solid parenting? Hell no! Helen Hunt gracefully taught me how to fly “Air Angel Dust” and Rob Lowe proved not all Baby Daddy’s are bad in “School Boy Father.” Think about how beneficial it would be for today’s youth to see Leighton Meester ruin her reputation by attending a high school rainbow party. Kristy McNichol could play the “been there, done that” social worker who helps Leighton re-gain her self worth. Playing a pedophile could be just what the Dr. ordered to breathe new life into Leif Garrett’s career. It’s a proven fact: teenagers don’t listen to their parents but they DO listen to Paris Hilton. She would be perfect for an A.S.S on the dangers of herpes.
As a child, I remember watching John Travolta’s riveting performance in “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.” Sure I laughed when he donned a space suit to attend school. I laughed even harder when Mr. Brady unplugged said suit from the car lighter and advised Johnny boy to, “Get your current where you find it.” Now that I have children, I’m an advocate for the plastic bubble as long as it’s BPA free. Between Lice and H1N1 I don’t want my kids to have physical contact with the outside world. I’ve become a proud Germaphobe. If I wasn’t afraid of catching scabies from the unwashed masses I would start a Germaphobe parade and lead that shit down 5th Ave.
Bounce houses, ball pits, water rooms and indoor play spaces in general have wreaked havoc on my life. Obviously I feel badly when my children get sick but in all honesty, I feel worse for myself. Not only will I not sleep for a minimum of 3 days but chances are I will catch whatever plague they have and still have to take care of them. When you’re young and childless you could have pneumonia on Thursday and still go for Happy Hour on Friday. If you were dating someone there was even a certain romance to falling ill. They would fetch you soup and give backrubs. Now I could be vomiting and would still have to make Annie’s Mac and Cheese.
Honestly, I could get on board with some entertaining parental wisdom in the afternoon from someone other than Oprah. You know, maybe have Sarah Michelle Gellar take a stand by nursing her baby in public or watch Soleil Moon Frye make a triumphant return to television as a mother trying to lose weight by any means necessary in “Over Exercised.” To quote one of my first ABC After School Specials, "My Mom’s Having a Baby": “I gotta go watch the baby. Can we work on this later?”