Thursday, December 24, 2009

38 is the New.......Whore?

Lately I find myself day dreaming about Roman orgies. Frankly, it’s why I never remember to pick up my husband’s dry cleaning. The early stages of parenthood have been some of the unsexiest years of my life. I’m not gonna bore you with the multitude of ways my children earned their black belts in cockblocking. However, no one should ever hold a baby monitor to their ear while also holding a dick.

Recently, my husband and I decided our family was complete. It was touch and go for a while. My uterus was in a pissing contest with my libido but we’ve successfully replaced ourselves on Earth, and we’re done. My body can go back to being just mine. Unfortunately my 20 year old tits aren’t coming back without a central line. The irony is I have more confidence now in one saggy boob then I ever did when you could bounce a quarter off my juicy fruit ass. I’ve always heard about the sexuality of women in their late 30’s and 40’s but couldn’t really grasp the situation. I watched 80’s classics like “My Tutor” and “Class” but never understood this was older lady porn. Why do you think Vampires are so hot right now? I never gave a shit about vampires or anything vampire related until I realized they are older lady porn. I’ve even made piece with Blanche Devereaux taking it in the pooper. It used to freak me out that she was such a slut, but now, you go with your dry aged vagina!

My husband is partly to blame for this situation since he stepped up and took one for the team. He got a Vasextomy. That’s right, we have entered a BABY FREE FUCK ZONE. This is the first time I’ve truly had baby free sex. No need for pills or coils or questions like, “Did it break? Did it fall off? Is it up by my ears?” It’s like I stole Pandora ’s Box and well, fucked it.

I’m not a crazy nympho and I understand some of this is probably wrapped up with getting older. Although, I’ve always been told I look younger than I am, I need to start taking measures to ensure father time doesn’t make me take it in the face. Regardless of the reasons, I’m fully embracing this new part of my life. It’s making me remember the girl who went to Amsterdam alone and the time a stranger stopped me on the street to tell me he thought I was beautiful. In my fantasy though he sees me in a crowded room and our eyes meet. We excuse ourselves to the coat room and…

18 comments:

Michele said...

Hilarious!
The baby monitor/dick comment - Yeah. I hear ya.
I say, go on with your sexy bad self! No worry about birth control? Kiddos sleeping through the night, in their own beds? Get it on!
I'm sure my husband would be jealous of yours, except for the whole snipping part. We haven't finished our baby-making yet, so that's not a topic in our house, but I will be using this blog post as part of my pro-vas argument when we're done. Thanks!

Jules said...

Hee hee! I've never had kids and my boobs still look like that. Ah. Oh well!

CarrieJ said...

dumbass ... you get the monitor with sound and lights. Geez, its like you are an amateur! :)
But I am 32 and absolutely re-entering total psycho-sex-addict phase. I hope it lasts!

Motherofthemth said...

I have the biggest girl crush on you. You are definitely added to my list of people I read while I pretend to work list.

Rebecca said...

Ohhh yeah, the big "V" was what we did after we replaced ourselves. Thank goodness he agreed because that makes life much, much more easy.

Mama Mary said...

You luck duck! I want to be in the Baby Free Fuck Zone. All I want for Xmas is botox and my hubby to get snipped! I forgot my pill last night so now I'm a total beyotch on this joyous Xmas Eve with cramps to boot. Fucking great! Merry Xmas to ya!

PrincessJenn said...

The 'baby free fuck zone' comment just about made me pee myself laughing. Thanks for that.

I personally thinks sex in your 20's is highly over rated. 30's, 40's and beyond is where it's at. Because by then you finally know what the hell you're doing.

Renegade Mom 2 said...

I'll see you in the coat room, lover.

~RM2

Stone Fox said...

i totally hear you about the dick in one hand, baby monitor in the other thing. you know that show Meerkats, when they hear a noise and their heads all pop up? that is what blowjobs are like when you have small kids. "was that the baby? did you hear that? i think the 4 year old is sneaking past our door" then you wait for about two minutes and get back at 'er only to pop your head up two minutes later. "what was that noise? i think the girl is awake. do you hear crying? i hear crying. who's crying?"

i sort of can't wait until the kids are old enough to be SO EMBARRASSED by the mere thought of their parents having sex that they would rather go to school naked than open our bedroom door.

kys said...

The baby monitor/dick comment is the best thing I've read all day. And also why I had no libido when my kids were tiny.

momto6 said...

Thanks for the laugh. The baby monitor/dick comment had me waking up my "baby" - who is 15.

I can only say one thing - sex with a man who can't get you preggers is FUCKING FANTASTIC!!!!

The Lady's Lounge said...

Amen to the vasectomy.

Stone Fox, don't hold your breath.
I have 3 teens and they couldn't care less what we are doing in the bedroom, it's not getting between them and telling on each other or asking me for money.

ME (in response to my bedroom door flying open without so much as a knock):"what if we were having sex?" I shriek.

Thing One:"Pfft!" accompanied by the rolling of the eyes, a flip of the hair and... "So, can I have the ten dollars?"


http://wwwtheladyslounge.com

phd in yogurtry said...

"blackbelts in cockblocking" -- I am laughing my drooping ass off! (don't I wish?)

You are so right about kids sucking the libido right out the bedroom window. And the fear of making an unwanted kid, yes, thankfully a fading memory.

I was about your age when my husband got his vasextomy and I'm sure I kept my neighbors up nightly with my screaming-orgasm chant of FREEDOM! In fact, I'm pretty sure I still would if it weren't for the kids in the adjacent room. Grrr.

Jen said...

Oh congrats to YOU. Sounds like a Happy New Year is in your immediate future!

Party Artist said...

OK I am now utterly jealous of all of you. I am 38 is the New... NUN!!

Let alone the double handing dick and monitor, there are so many things getting in the way, that I do not know where is the way these days. We have the extra pounds on the one hand, the sleep deprivation on the other and my lack of Kegels (see older post' comments)so it is the perfect combination for disaster...

I need help NOW... does anyone knows a vampire?

Keri said...

"I’m not gonna bore you with the multitude of ways my children earned their black belts in cockblocking." This made me silently snicker and struggle to hold my pee in (so that my 7 year old wouldn't ask what I was laughing at).

Thanks for writing!

Lotta said...

38 too and it in the same zone. It's lovely, but like mother nature is standing there with a stopwatch screaming, "Go go go! Cause you only have a bou 10 years before your tits drop entirely to enjoy this phase!" At least that's what I hear.

Allison Zapata said...

I'm totally in the holding a dick with a monitor stage.

that is,when I feel like holding a dick. Sometimes I'd rather hold the remote.