I’ve noticed a new trend lately and it’s freaking me out. People are using their dogs as air bags. These people love their pets so much they are willing to risk their life and mine so “Bingo” can experience the freedom of the open road. There has to be a law against this, right? This goes way beyond cell phones. A cell phone doesn’t step on your balls or lick your gums while you sing “Rosanna” at the top of your lungs. We don’t even let my grandmother drive, but at any given moment I can look over and see a Jack Russell Terrier going 75 down the highway. Between texting, sexting, drinking, putting on make-up, and watching television you can pretty much do anything you want in your car. There is an entire show dedicated to “pimping” your ride. I’m all for making your car more efficient especially if you install something useful, like a toilet. However, there is something unnatural about watching TV in your car. I can see the validity for sure but I’ve also felt the pain of High School Musical on the New Jersey Turnpike. Not to mention it’s not totally safe to tailgate someone to see how the movie ends.
The most heinous offense however is dangling a pair of giant veiny balls from your car or truck. Truck Nutz, as they are brilliantly called, are a rare sighting in the North East. I’ve had the pleasure of feasting my eyes on several pairs of these plastic scrotes further South. I think what people put on their cars says a lot about how they want to represent themselves to the public. Now I love balls as much as the next guy but I don’t want them on my car or my face (unless they smell like Lemon Zinger.) I bet these are the same people who knowingly open their car doors into other people’s car doors. On a side note, people who park so fucking close to a car with car seats in the back should get Chlamydia. Are we supposed to climb in Mission Impossible style with our babies under our chins?
Our forefathers never had any of these problems. I can’t imagine Pa Ingalls putting deodorant on while driving his covered wagon or Mary sexting in Braille. I do however sympathize with our ancestors because as bad as Truck Nutz are, at least they aren’t giant shit stained horse balls.