Monday, December 7, 2009

Get Out of My Dreams and into My Car

I’ve noticed a new trend lately and it’s freaking me out. People are using their dogs as air bags. These people love their pets so much they are willing to risk their life and mine so “Bingo” can experience the freedom of the open road. There has to be a law against this, right? This goes way beyond cell phones. A cell phone doesn’t step on your balls or lick your gums while you sing “Rosanna” at the top of your lungs. We don’t even let my grandmother drive, but at any given moment I can look over and see a Jack Russell Terrier going 75 down the highway. Between texting, sexting, drinking, putting on make-up, and watching television you can pretty much do anything you want in your car. There is an entire show dedicated to “pimping” your ride. I’m all for making your car more efficient especially if you install something useful, like a toilet. However, there is something unnatural about watching TV in your car. I can see the validity for sure but I’ve also felt the pain of High School Musical on the New Jersey Turnpike. Not to mention it’s not totally safe to tailgate someone to see how the movie ends.

The most heinous offense however is dangling a pair of giant veiny balls from your car or truck. Truck Nutz, as they are brilliantly called, are a rare sighting in the North East. I’ve had the pleasure of feasting my eyes on several pairs of these plastic scrotes further South. I think what people put on their cars says a lot about how they want to represent themselves to the public. Now I love balls as much as the next guy but I don’t want them on my car or my face (unless they smell like Lemon Zinger.) I bet these are the same people who knowingly open their car doors into other people’s car doors. On a side note, people who park so fucking close to a car with car seats in the back should get Chlamydia. Are we supposed to climb in Mission Impossible style with our babies under our chins?

Our forefathers never had any of these problems. I can’t imagine Pa Ingalls putting deodorant on while driving his covered wagon or Mary sexting in Braille. I do however sympathize with our ancestors because as bad as Truck Nutz are, at least they aren’t giant shit stained horse balls.

30 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

I am SO getting Truck Nutz for my minivan. I will be so awesome that you will cry.

Why Is Daddy Crying said...

as a kid from the south...I have to say I've seen more truck nutz than I've seen old man balls swinging from benches in the YMCA locker room....and I'm a sad sack of shit for having experienced all of it. Well done my dear. Thanks for the hilarious when I stick my head in to check out your box!

Miranda said...

The first time I saw those truck nutz I almost rear-ended the guy I swear to God. Horrible. Have you seen the blue ones?!
And yeah dog's as airbags=not such a good idea.

Deana said...

My moms shihtzu is one of those airbags, makes me almost wish they'd crash so I wouldn't have to put up with the nasty little "muffin"! Not really but you got the idea, great post!
Justdeezart from twitter!

Crystal said...

"Mary sexting in Braille"....just spit my coffee all over my keyboard. You are so funny.

Jules said...

Those truck nutz things drive me crazy. And when they are in front of me, I just stare at them. I'm pretty sure it's a safety hazard!

Sandrat201 said...

I never could understand people who liked to have sex while their driving.

Sara said...

I hate people who drive with their stupid dogs on their laps. Here in Deutschland it is illegal, and you can get fined something like, ¢5 per pound of dog. (So like, $10 a pound) They are actually supposed to be in the back seat, and restrained by a seatbelt harness thing, or behind one of those police car-esque fence whatchacallit.

Beck said...

How is I never heard of Truck Nutz? The chlamydia line is priceless.

hcintat said...

Looks like Pa Ingalls would have used hair product over deoderant.

CarrieJ said...

I don't want lemon scented balls on my face ... now if they tasted like Lemon Zingers ... but that is a whole 'nother post...
I say, throw Fido in your lap, and then be the jackass that doesn't hold tight when I sling a tennis ball across the highway!

Rebecca said...

I'm so glad to say that I've never seen Truck Nutz....thank the Lord.

We don't have a TV in our car because we're too poor and because the kids are too amazed at the passing scenery to notice anything inside the car. They seriously don't sleep in the car EVER because they might miss something.

..."Wow, Mommy! That cloud looks like a potato!!!!!!"

..."Did you see that TREE mommy?? It was so green and big!!!! WOW!!!"

Renegade Mom 2 said...

As far as I'm concerned, the more dead dogs the better. And if there's one thing missing from my mamma van with the "Ass, Gas or Grass" plate frame, it's some sagging blue balls. Thanks for the "tip" ;P
Kinda reminds me of Bikrims yoga, have you had the porn pleasure yet? Eveyone, including grandpa, is naked by the end of class. And it smells good too.

allconsoffun said...

*LOL @ the visual of a rat terrier rolling at 75 mph. that's crazy. seriousness. i mean i let my mom's dog ride w/ me in the front seat. for like 100 feet when i'm too lazy to walk the kids to the bus stop in the rain or freezing ass cold.
*trucknutz=roflmao!! i can't say anymore.
*and what? halfpint's a whore? i didn't see you protecting her morality like that goodie-good mary. LOL

Mwa said...

Truck Nutz... Americans can be so funny.

Lady Of The House said...

If by funny you mean assholes, then yes. We are fucking HIGH-larious.

Thanks for all the comments lovers.

Tina said...

ROFLMAO..... i am soo guilty of singing Rosanna at the top my lungs!!!! and have yet to lay my eyes on a set of those Truck Nutz (guess that would be the one and only positive thing of living in the North East)

tina
http://tinasinsanelife.blogspot.com/

Jen said...

I've said it before and I'll say it over and over again. Driving with CHILDREN in the car is more dangerous than anything else. I stand by this. Though I think that maybe if I saw Truck Nutz, I might be even more distracted than I am when I am searching for the right song on the CD, reaching behind me for a dropped sippy cup, yelling at my kids to keep their hands off of each other, and realizing I'm in the WRONG lane.

toywithme said...

I'm thinking about designing a big ole giant pink vag to hang on the back of the car. Because, obviously, "I Have A Vagina And I'm Not Afraid To Use It" Great Post!

Ken said...

i'm actually getting a pair of brass balls for my dad's car, a merc e550.

i thought it would be fucking hilarious.

avionicsman said...

bahahahaha truck nutz!! Now when my Great Dane wants in the front seat I see nothing wrong with that!!!

Nicki said...

While I have had the "privilege" of seeing Truck Nutz, I never knew they had a name. LMAO!

This is fantastic!!

Andrea (@shutterbitch) said...

So many things about this post made me nearly suck RedBull into my brain as I thought, "I've ALWAYS noticed that too!" The doggy airbag. The pimping of rides. Next thing you know, the fucking driver's seat will be a Lazy Boy.

We have a truck, a pretty strong one, Silverado 3500 HD Diesel. There will never be a pair of truck nutz on the hitch. Or boobs on the back window. But I have considered putting a fur burger on my car (Impala) so that when I'm tailgated I can ask why they're so far up my ass they've reached my uterus.

Straitjackets are Slimming said...

Also from the south. It just now occurred to me that "Truck Nutz" aren't necessary to keep the car running. I thought cars came like that straight from the factory. Learn something new everyday

Lady Of The House said...

OK S.A.S. I fucking love your name.

The Lady's Lounge said...

If my dog had nuts I'd hang her out my car window. That would be awesome.
Then I could call the other dudes fake and wannabees. Stupid nut-less dog...now I don't get to be cool.


http://www.theladyslounge.com

Stone Fox said...

i have seen a fair amount of truck nutz and they always seem to be hanging off the back hitch, so then the back hitch resembles a giant square anus. what kind of message are you trying to send, mr. macho man driving the giant pick up truck with the lift kit and supersized aggressive tires?

seeing a small dog in the driver's lap doesn't bother me too much, unless i also see the driver's pants and underwear riding shotgun. then i get nervous.

mepsipax said...

GIANT SHIT STAINED HORSE BALLS!!! That is as fun to yell as it sounds. I live in the south and the truck nuts are not the worst of it. Seriously. Besides I have seen a man drink coffee, talk on the phone, and read a paper while driving. Scarfuckingeee.

BugginWord said...

It might be hard to give those parking lot pricks chlamydia (without some serious dedication on your part) but maybe you could give their upholstery crabs? The idea of Braille sexting makes me plum giddy.

phd in yogurtry said...

I don't think I've seen truck nutz. It's the mudd flaps with the nekkid woman poser silhouette that makes me want to off the truck, Thelma and Louise style.