To date over 21 million people have watched the brilliant video of Kevin Heinz, Jill Peterson and their wedding party dancing down the aisle. It’s the feel good video of the year. Thanks to YouTube I can now get my romantic comedy high without having to waste 90 minutes. This video cuts to the chase. Boy gets girl and they perform a choreographed dance number straight to the alter. No half baked subplots or "meet me at the top of the Empire State Building" bullshit. It even has an uplifting soundtrack. What better way to erase the stigma of domestic abuse? Underscore young love. I have personally used this video like a secret stash of Zoloft. I started to wonder though, what led up to this stunning moment and more importantly what happened after. I need VH1’s Behind the Video.
Most wedding parties include at least one awkward hook up, loser fraternity brother, or relative you secretly hate. I know from interviews they only rehearsed for 90 minutes blah, blah, blah (although the third duo needed a late night run through, girlfriend dances like she’s wearing a Scoliosis brace.) Most were on point with their freedom of expression but I wonder if Jill went Bridezilla after she saw that groomsman "shit squat" down the aisle. There were a few shining stars. The opening girls danced like they were features on The Grind and the stud who confidently "man prances" into a hand stand knows he’s getting mad pussy after the reception.
Although I poke fun I watched this video with the biggest smile and bitter sweet tears streaming down my face. Why the hell was I crying? I don’t know these people and they didn’t even say their vows. I was jealous. Why didn’t I think of doing this? Instead of acting like a female Woody Allen I could have been rehearsing a show stopper with my besties. Granted I didn’t have a wedding party, which in retrospect was a good thing. My wedding contained several inappropriate moments including a rousing speech about a green suitcase full of porn and my piss drunk sister in law French kissing her cousin.
For those of you who have been living under a rock do yourself a favor and watch this video. I have one final question though, for such a cool group of people why are the men dressed like insurance salesmen?
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
On A Very Special Episode...
I’m not smart enough to home school my children. Sure I could teach from a syllabus and they wouldn’t be completely inept, but they could potentially be a little stupid because of me. So far I’ve been able to answer most questions adequately, even toughies like "what happened to our cat?" and "can I touch my vagina?" The other day though, I had my first really feeble-minded parent moment.
We were on a new playdate. My daughter wasn’t hitting it off with the little girl so she ended up playing with her older sister. About 15 minutes later my daughter marches into the kitchen with the sister close behind and declares, "She has no fingers and no thumb." Shit shit shit! This wasn’t our first time at this rodeo. Both of my children have put me in precarious situations with strangers by pointing out facial hair and moles. I usually come out unscathed as I allude to my adult acne and tell my kids it’s not ok to point and comment. This was different. She was genuinely shocked. The girl’s mother gave the appropriate answer about how she was born that way and it’s just like one person having a different hair color then another, but it wasn’t. Obviously I have a tremendous amount of respect and compassion for anyone who has anything "extra" to do in order to navigate life. This little girl was so lovely and thankfully her mother’s response quelled my daughter’s inquiry. Once we were in the car, however, the gloves came off and I went down in flames.
I gave the stock, "people come in all shapes and sizes" answer. But the questions were coming fast and furious. "Did her fingers fall off? When I’m older will my fingers fall off? How can she do the monkey bars?" I tried my best but within moments I was in the weeds. In the same awkward sentence I told her this girl was special, different and the same as her. My son starting asking what else could "fall off." When I explained people could be born without entire limbs we went into the lightening round. It was a total clusterfuck. I touched on prosthetics but I watch Food Network, not Discovery. I completely spazzed and alluded to people walking on their hands which no doubt filled them with confusing images and prompted my daughter to ask how they eat upside down. Like an asshole I mentioned seeing a limbless woman on Oprah getting around on a skateboard. What the hell was wrong with me?
In an attempt to undue the confusing and conflicting answers I gave I decided to let them see for themselves. Together we watched an uplifting YouTube video about a boy with no arms or legs. Was it a little inappropriate? Sure. But it allowed me the opportunity to show them what I couldn’t say. Thankfully my husband was Valedictorian so my kids aren’t totally screwed.
We were on a new playdate. My daughter wasn’t hitting it off with the little girl so she ended up playing with her older sister. About 15 minutes later my daughter marches into the kitchen with the sister close behind and declares, "She has no fingers and no thumb." Shit shit shit! This wasn’t our first time at this rodeo. Both of my children have put me in precarious situations with strangers by pointing out facial hair and moles. I usually come out unscathed as I allude to my adult acne and tell my kids it’s not ok to point and comment. This was different. She was genuinely shocked. The girl’s mother gave the appropriate answer about how she was born that way and it’s just like one person having a different hair color then another, but it wasn’t. Obviously I have a tremendous amount of respect and compassion for anyone who has anything "extra" to do in order to navigate life. This little girl was so lovely and thankfully her mother’s response quelled my daughter’s inquiry. Once we were in the car, however, the gloves came off and I went down in flames.
I gave the stock, "people come in all shapes and sizes" answer. But the questions were coming fast and furious. "Did her fingers fall off? When I’m older will my fingers fall off? How can she do the monkey bars?" I tried my best but within moments I was in the weeds. In the same awkward sentence I told her this girl was special, different and the same as her. My son starting asking what else could "fall off." When I explained people could be born without entire limbs we went into the lightening round. It was a total clusterfuck. I touched on prosthetics but I watch Food Network, not Discovery. I completely spazzed and alluded to people walking on their hands which no doubt filled them with confusing images and prompted my daughter to ask how they eat upside down. Like an asshole I mentioned seeing a limbless woman on Oprah getting around on a skateboard. What the hell was wrong with me?
In an attempt to undue the confusing and conflicting answers I gave I decided to let them see for themselves. Together we watched an uplifting YouTube video about a boy with no arms or legs. Was it a little inappropriate? Sure. But it allowed me the opportunity to show them what I couldn’t say. Thankfully my husband was Valedictorian so my kids aren’t totally screwed.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Lifeguard
I’ve been having interesting feelings lately. At first they were as confusing as when I watched that sixth grade film strip about my changing body. Recently a friend said, "I think I’m attracted to a boy who works at J. Crew." I wanted to grab her arm and pull her behind the lockers. She had opened Pandora’s Box, literally. We have re-discovered boys. Not really boys, but young men in their 20’s. To some this might not be all that shocking. There’s a whole sector of women who enjoy ogling men. I’ve seen Real Sex on HBO where giant socked cocks are swung in women’s faces. They go crazy for that shit. It’s never been my thing. I used to pine for Tom Cruise, but boyfriend drank the Kool-Aid. Brad Pitt? My fantasy doesn’t include The United Colors of Benetton. Now I fancy a guy like Zac Efron or the hottie lifeguard at the beach every summer.
I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. "Cougar" has become an acceptable description for women. Technically I’m not a Cougar though. I’m 38 and happily married to the most amazing man. If you must label me, I’m a "Unicorn." Unicorns are harmless. They just hang out and frolic. A cougar will rip your fucking face off. I’m not really gonna sleep with the lifeguard but I want to mull it over.
There are advantages to being a Unicorn. While you can spot a Cougar a mile away, Unicorns hide in plain sight. We use our children as excuses to see "tween" movies and listen to The Jonai. Cougars and Unicorns can usually live in harmony. This summer however, a Cougar totally stepped over the line. What asshole brings a lifeguard a banana cream pie? "He don’t have no mini fridge up in there, bitch!" Maybe I do have a little Cougar in me.
I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. "Cougar" has become an acceptable description for women. Technically I’m not a Cougar though. I’m 38 and happily married to the most amazing man. If you must label me, I’m a "Unicorn." Unicorns are harmless. They just hang out and frolic. A cougar will rip your fucking face off. I’m not really gonna sleep with the lifeguard but I want to mull it over.
There are advantages to being a Unicorn. While you can spot a Cougar a mile away, Unicorns hide in plain sight. We use our children as excuses to see "tween" movies and listen to The Jonai. Cougars and Unicorns can usually live in harmony. This summer however, a Cougar totally stepped over the line. What asshole brings a lifeguard a banana cream pie? "He don’t have no mini fridge up in there, bitch!" Maybe I do have a little Cougar in me.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Inevitable
"When I grow up I won’t say that to my children!" For some people this declaration actually holds true, especially if they’ve had horrendous parents. I was given a pair of solid C’s. They meant well and frankly I would need to go back several generations to properly place the blame. I feel like I have a tighter grasp on parenting then they did. I listen to my children and validate their feelings. I give them logical answers to questions but most often they aren’t satisfied and as a result, "because I said so" and "do I need to pull this car over" freely roll off my tongue. I feel the duality of emotions but I just can’t help myself. These are the perfect responses to ridiculous questions or situations. When my kids repeatedly ask why they can’t have candy for breakfast or why they can’t unbuckle their car seats while the car is in motion my answer often becomes, "BECAUSE I SAID SO!"
My mother would set the kitchen timer if I was taking an exorbitant amount of time eating dinner. This seemed like such a dick move. Clearly I hated what I was eating and it didn’t matter how much time went by. I was never going to finish. Some time ago during the fourteenth hour of dinner I'm embarrassed to say I had an "aha moment." My kids weren’t eating liver or scallops. They were simply playing around, not eating and whining for dessert. It was an involuntary reflex as I found myself pressing the buttons. "I AM SETTING THE TIMER!" I now see these phrases, although disturbing, sprouted out of necessity.
Every parent knows driving with children can be thorny at times. There have been many instances while navigating the highways and byways I have been ordered to produce specific beverages or snacks and when those requests have been denied endured a 10 minute seat kicking. I am often taxed to play a song which has no name but goes something like, "ummmm. You know the sooooong." Throw in a good old arm farting contest and a foot war and the only logical thing to do is threaten to "PULL THIS CAR OVER!" I’m not completely clear as to how pulling to the side of the road would fix the situation but it seems to be a natural response.
The only query that transcends both child and parent is, "Are we there yet?" I don’t care how old you are. If you’re in a car for an extended period of time (especially with children) seriously, "ARE WE THERE YET?"
My mother would set the kitchen timer if I was taking an exorbitant amount of time eating dinner. This seemed like such a dick move. Clearly I hated what I was eating and it didn’t matter how much time went by. I was never going to finish. Some time ago during the fourteenth hour of dinner I'm embarrassed to say I had an "aha moment." My kids weren’t eating liver or scallops. They were simply playing around, not eating and whining for dessert. It was an involuntary reflex as I found myself pressing the buttons. "I AM SETTING THE TIMER!" I now see these phrases, although disturbing, sprouted out of necessity.
Every parent knows driving with children can be thorny at times. There have been many instances while navigating the highways and byways I have been ordered to produce specific beverages or snacks and when those requests have been denied endured a 10 minute seat kicking. I am often taxed to play a song which has no name but goes something like, "ummmm. You know the sooooong." Throw in a good old arm farting contest and a foot war and the only logical thing to do is threaten to "PULL THIS CAR OVER!" I’m not completely clear as to how pulling to the side of the road would fix the situation but it seems to be a natural response.
The only query that transcends both child and parent is, "Are we there yet?" I don’t care how old you are. If you’re in a car for an extended period of time (especially with children) seriously, "ARE WE THERE YET?"
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