Progress Not Perfection

My iPhone stopped working. I hate technology and reluctantly went to the AT&T store. As soon as I put my phone on the counter the bitchy queen who worked there shrieked, "Upgrade!" I said, "Excuse me?" He said, "You need a upgrade. Go to the Apple store." I’m not used to being spoken to in this manner but girlfriend had such a violent reaction to my first generation phone I went straight to the Apple Store. I was quickly approached by an overweight geeky bouncer type wearing a headset. He asked me if I had an appointment with one of the Geniuses at the Genius Bar. Was this a trick question? Was it code for entry into an underground club? I showed him my phone and told him it stopped syncing with my computer. He told me I needed an appointment with a Genius but ultimately I’ll need to upgrade. This got me thinking. There are many areas of life in need of a serious upgrade.

Take some of the state capitals for instance. Albany? Really? This is the capital of New York? I spent four years in Albany and I can tell you right now they don’t have their finger on the pulse. How about NEW YORK CITY! The name alone screams capital. Frankly, I was down right shocked to discover LA isn’t California’s capital. Sacramento? Isn’t that a clam and tomato cocktail? I know Florida is a big place but Tallahassee? Are there even Jews there? Don’t get me started about Washington State and Washington, DC. Why do we need two places with the same name? Washington, DC isn’t even a state; it’s the District of Columbia. What does that even mean? Is this meant to confuse terrorists? I get the whole North & South Carolina thing because they’re connected, but we should just call Washington State, Seattle. Was Olympia the birthplace of the almighty Starbucks?

Prostitution needs an upgrade. I was recently in Las Vegas where they have a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy regarding hookers. You know what? It didn’t bother me. What’s the big deal? Bottom line is some men and women are going to have sex with prostitutes. Make it legal, safe and tax that shit. I think hookers and non-hookers can peacefully co-exist. Maybe we can even work as a team. I’d love a hooker in my back pocket giving me sex tips. Why not add a Lady of the Evening to your ladies night out. I bet you’ll have a better time and you can help make them look less whore-y.

The next big "thing" to get a much needed upgrade is Marijuana. Pot should be legal. Legalizing pot would help save our economy. The food industry would go through the roof and network television would seem so much funnier. I agree we need rules but let’s lighten up a bit. Orthodox Jews also need to lighten up. I totally support their style and observing the Sabbath is extremely green, so I guess it’s just the food and hair stuff. Making your wife shave her pubes only to wear a Merkin is down right cruel. No one is going to steal your women. It’s bad enough she wears support hose and a wool hat in August, let her have her hair. Just so you know, having a milkshake with a bacon cheeseburger is a religious experience.

Work is another area where we are due for an upgrade. I know we’ve come a long way from our ancestors working from sun up ‘til sun down but they died at 32. What’s so wrong with a 4 day work week? Life would be so much better if we could have a daily siesta instead of quickly eating at our desks. Most importantly the Solar System needs an upgrade because I need a new vacation spot.

"Like, Oh My God"

God is punishing me with adult acne. There is nothing adult about acne. This humiliation should only affect teenagers and Meth addicts. I can accept the corpulent nightmare that is my post baby body but leave my face alone. Women my age should be concerned with correcting fine lines and wrinkles, not performing late term abortions on their chins. I wasn’t particularly zitty as a teen so I never went beyond using tooth paste and Witch Hazel as assailants. Frankly, I had perky teenage boobs. I could have looked like Rocky Dennis and still gotten play. These new monsters are unyielding. They’re like Russian stacking dolls where each new layer uncovers a smaller yet achingly similar version of the previous zit. After months of shame and strategically placed band-aids I went to see the Dermatologist.

My dermatologist is a judgmental twat with porcelain skin who I like to refer to as "Powder." I swear she removes moles from my body solely based on how tan I am. One time I popped in for a prescription renewal and she had me ass out with a scalpel and numbing cream in her hands. I know she went to medical school but honestly does she really qualify to see me naked? When I told her about my little predicament she said "go on the pill." I’ve been down that road before and acting "crazy as fuck" is only cute in your 20’s. Now it’s grounds for divorce. Besides, I can’t imagine telling my husband, "Sorry the doc cut your nuts hon, but I’m gonna go ahead and go back on the pill."

After months of unsuccessfully trying serums and creams, I went back to her guns and face blazing demanding she rid me of this acne. This is my time to shine! She finally agreed to put me on Acutaine but I need to take a pregnancy test first. Ummm… Hello? Who wants to fuck a pimple with saggy boobs?