Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I Have Big Breasts and I Can Not Lie

I have a love hate relationship with my boobies. They’ve gone up and down in size for various reasons over the years, but they’ve never been small. It’s been a blessing and a curse. Sometimes they get me things and sometimes they just get in the way. If I misjudge a bite or a sip by even a centimeter, I take it on the boob. Then I’m stuck with coffee, sauce etc. on my tits drawing even more attention to them. Most women look forward to pregnancy because of their growing breasts. Mine were elevated to a fetish level of porn. I wish I’d appreciated them a little more when they were darn near close to perfect. I might have dabbled in stripping had I known they’d be ravaged by time.

It’s no surprise I married a “boob man.” In fact, from what I can tell, most men go ape-shit over mammaries. I’m reminded of the time I was walking back from lunch with my boss and a lovely gentleman walked by and loudly barked, “Nice tits!” Now you would think I would have had some witty retort to make the situation less awkward, but alas I pretended it didn’t happen and hunched my shoulders a bit. It’s just so silly. They’re flesh and tissue. What’s the big fucking deal? Ladies, we don’t help the situation either. I mean I kind of get the showing your jugs for cash thing, but for cheap plastic beads? A free drink? A Girls Gone Wild shirt? Really? What I want to know is how’s showing your boobs going wild? I’ve shown my cans to many people including the mammogram technician and Victoria’s Secret sales help. All of them were able to refrain from dousing my fun bags with milk and licking it off.

For a society that is so breast obsessed you would think someone would have invented the Breast Transplant. You can donate all sorts of organs nowadays. You can even give someone your face. We should be able to suck titage from one lady and put it in another. Sure you can get breast implants but nothing is as good as the real thing. Not to be morbid, but what if someone with super hot knockers dies? Wouldn’t she want them to live the life she couldn’t? As an ample bosomed lady I would gladly share the love. Frankly my shoulders and back would thank me. To quote my husband, “Big or small, I love’m all. Now put them on my face.”


**Self breast exams save lives. Have a glass of wine and touch your tits. For all my Twitter lovers, please put your guns away and just forward this essay 

22 comments:

Bree said...

As a DDD woman myself a tit transplant would be awesome!! the quote from ur hubby was awesome!!!

Why Is Daddy Crying said...

I'm pretty sure I said "nice knockers" when I yelled that at you!!! Boob transplants would be kick-ass in my book. I much prefer the real deal over the fake. But regardless.....I just love boobs. There I said it. Can I leave the confessional electric box now?!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I was flat as an ironing board until I got pregnant, at which time my boobs blossomed into a lovely D-cup! But now after three kids, every time I quit nursing, they go back down to nothing. Only ... longer.

*sigh*

Mirth said...

I just had to get the girls in for a remeasure because I've gained a few pounds. Turns out they've "evolved" to a 40DD. So I tell my husband this sad news (because you know, I've gained weight) and his response? "Wow, that's like every man's fantasy size!" That's right baby, I'm a walking dream. A dream with a back ache and a flabby stomach. Ooh la la.

suzspetals said...

As a 36AA woman of 48 who loves the one or two days a month when they swell imperceptibly, I love your idea. Me and my chestier friends have always been pissed that we can't share the wealth and both be happy.

PS - Just discovered your blog today and I'm loving it. Keep the profanity-laced wisdom coming.

Jules said...

I am a member of the big boobies club too....

And my word verification is "jugher"....Nice!

Coco said...

Itty bitty titty committee here. I always thought I wanted them bigger until I had my first child. Then I felt like Dolly Parton. It was uncomfortable. I couldn't lay on my stomach.

Now that I am older and way fatter they are some what bigger but hang. GAG. I could always pass the pencil test until about 4 years ago. Sniff

Nicki said...

This is fantastic! I was a B until I had children. Evidently, when you have six kids over ten years, the boobies do not go back to a size B ever! I love mine, regardless of size.

Cassie said...

I wish I had appreciated my breasts when they were perky too. A friend of mine told me that I should get a breast reduction so I wouldn't look so fat. (What can I say? she's blunt) I told her my husband doesn't care how much weight I gain as long as my boobs keep getting bigger, and she looked appalled. That's what you get when you're a DDD and your friends are A's & B's I guess. But seriously, if I was going to have surgery to get rid of my excess weight, I would have a tummy tuck, not a breast reduction.

Elly Lou said...

Boobs are overrated. I'll happily donate mine.

By the by, have you ever noticed how many epic love stories start with a knight in shining armor screaming "nice tits" as he rescues the damsel from dragons?

Rebecca said...

I shop in the children's department for bras. I've always wanted a breast transplant.

KeepingYouAwake said...

Carrying large breasts around can be a serious burden, and I appreciate the trouble that it gives the Mrs. So much so, in fact, that I want to help.

I'll gladly hold them any time she's tired and needs a break.

Honestly though, big boobs are heavy, and though they can be good *and* bad, I've seen more benefit than beleaguer.

Sarah said...

Boob post kids are an entirely different species. Small or large, they are just never the same. Wish I would have appreciated mine more pre-babies. Sigh.

Sabreena said...

I loved my pregnancy breasts, they were huge and real which made them perfect. I would totally go for tit transplants to get that back. The augmentation is too fake. My husband, the sweet dude that he is, claims my tits are better than before the kids which I am choosing to believe. I have a full C small D but would love to be a full D and would be willing to pillage a dead woman's corpse to get them. Ahh, to dream.

Mwa said...

Breastfeeding made me go from a C to an FF. I'm glad I've gone back. I'm not sure I could cope with them being huge permanently. Luckily I have a good bum.

phd in yogurtry said...

I was endowed with decent sized boobage, too. It won me many favors in my younger years, of the "pick a boyfriend, any boyfriend" variety. But these days? The older I get and the heavier they get? Not winning many favors.

I am now envious of the flat chested girls who use to envy me. I can't go braless anymore unless I want to experience horrified looks. Like they're expecting a toothless grin to match the hangy down dragoons.

So yeah. Pros and cons.

Strangely, my husband is not a breast man. He's an ass man. And I was blessed with an overly endowed mass in that part of my anatomy, too. And there's nothin good about that.

12gViolet said...

“Big or small, I love’m all. Now put them on my face.” Your husband and I share a philosophy. ROFLMFAO

I myself am amply endowed (thank you genetics) and wish I could donate some of my mammary goodness to those less fortunate. Especially when I'm in an F cup (as I am currently) and looking at the possibility of even higher alphabetical awfulness with the breastfeeding to come. I think, after this last kid, I'm going to get my boobies suctioned and lifted and perked back to their teenage goodness. What's ten grand, right?

Amber said...

I also wish I'd appreciated them while they were perfect. Now they're on a slow race to the ground, and I just hope they don't make it their before I'm too senile to care.

RookieMommy said...

As a mom whose boobs did a disappearing act postpartum, I'm feeling rather self conscious about my boobage (or lack of) at the moment. In fact (shameless plug coming up) I blogged about it last year http://survival4moms.com/2009/07/07/boobswhere/

I tend to hunch my shoulders to hide the fact that I am now boob deprived. We're never happy with our lot - but if you're offering to donate your boobs for transplant, I'll put my name down.

mepsipax said...

Love it. I am not a boob man myself... well, I do like them, don't get me wrong. Well, this is not going well.... also, let's keep going with this idea. I am sure there are lots of "organs" that can be donated. Giggity.

arctic flower said...

Thank you so much for ending with a plug for BSEs! It's true, ladies. Someone nagged me to do a BSE (which I never did) at 36 and then I traded my boobs in for a cancer-free set of implants. But I'm alive. BSE's DO save lives, so don't be afraid of them. :) PSA over.

Heather said...

Wow. I could have written most of this post. I too have a very large set. 44DD if you really want to know. I have ALWAYS had large ones. I was in 6th grade and was pushing a C cup. Pretty mortifiying when you get cat calls at the age of 12 from men who are old enough to be your father.

It is a long running joke that if I get a breast reduction, my mom and sister are going to be on the tables next to me so we can all have a nice C cup.