Tuesday, February 2, 2010

An Open Letter To Oprah

Dear Oprah,

I heard you’re retiring. I gotta be honest with you I have mixed feelings about this. It seems hasty to me. Don’t you think it’s a little irresponsible to inspire a pant suited army and simply walk away? I’d feel more settled if you would appoint a successor, but not one like that hairless testicle, Dr. Phil. You were dead on with Mhemet Oz though. He eye fucked me into getting a colonoscopy. I hope you tapped that before you gave him his own show. Anyway, you’ve given me a lot of advice and information over the years so I thought I’d do the same.

Since this is your last year, I suggest you go balls out! Really make it count. Why not do a show about boobs, topless? Or announce to the audience like only you can, “Everyone gets their own RABBIT! VIBRATOR!” Your staff can toss them into the audience while you continually shout, “YOU GET A VIBRATOR AND YOU GET A VIBRATOR!” What if you were to conduct an interview with a convicted pedophile and before he answers every question, karate chop him in the larynx?

Now, don’t get your La Perla’s in a bunch, but you my friend are the original Ponzi. I’m a cynical bitch but time and again I’ve picked up what you were putting down. I bought “The Secret”. I sat in on a virtual classroom, naked. I made sure a lingerie technician jiggled my tits into the correct sized bra. I personally interrogated every neighbor in a 15 mile radius to see if they were ever convicted of a sex crime. Lover, if you told me I had to shit on a land mine in order to lose weight, I would have done it. You’ve got skills though. As soon as I realized you were all smoke and mirrors you had already moved me onto "eating, loving and praying."

You didn’t invent the wheel with the “Ah-Ha moment”, Oprah. Smoke a joint and you’ll be “ah-ha’ing” out every orifice. And honestly, what's with the Vision Boards? I made a vision board on the inside of my high school locker. I had many pictures of Ralph Macchio and I never got to fuck him. Do you honestly believe if I put a picture of your Santa Barbara property on my board I’ll get it? Does anyone put up a picture of a bathroom attendant? We all want what you got sister. We want your books and your cashmere underwear. Personally, I hold you responsible for the auditory rape I endured when you gave everyone in your audience a car.

However, no one does a surprise or a make-over like you. You have great guests and smart tips. Thanks to you I distrust pretty much anyone walking remotely close to me in a parking garage. I’ve cried more times than I care to admit watching you, Oprah. FYI, no one should cry at 4:00PM. It’s not like I’m done with my day and can melt into the couch and snot into tissues for hours. Most of us still have after school activities and if we’re lucky a night out. I can’t shrug the harsh stuff off which leads me to ask, how can you? You’re a stronger woman than I am if you can fall asleep at night knowing what you know.

You’ve taken a lot of shots over the years, Oprah. Many from my husband who thinks you act like, “your shit tastes like ice cream.” Personally I think you shit gold bullion. I have to hand it to you though, you made it happen. Dibs on being one of your dogs in the next life.

Love,
Me

23 comments:

Mommynanibooboo said...

The whole rabbit vibrator giveaway- I'd be first in line for that show. And I would not mind seeing Lady O's boobs! I think after all these years, she owes us that... Well, that and a new car...

Jules said...

I don't know. I think her time is up. She's had Sarah Palin on TWICE. TWICE!!!! That HAS to mean she's lost it.

Mwa said...

I love Oprah, too. Hardly ever get to watch her (she's on just when I'm at the school gates), but I love her to bits.

Susan said...

Great post. About the Sarah Palin-squared...I secretly hope Oprah's plan is to allow SP to reveal what an idiot she really is.

I'm a closet fan. Ask me if I watch and I'll deny, deny, deny. If you notice that I'm carrying The Secret, I'll swear I had no idea Oprah had read it or covered it for three and a half seasons. Shhhh......

Heather said...

The day I knew I hated Oprah was the day after she'd had a bunch of tearful, emotional mothers on the show and she was doing her verbal version of oral sex: "Motherhood's the most valuable job, mmmmm, you're so great, I could never do it, that's why I have dogs, I'm licking all you sad, pathetic, track suited women out there with my long-reaching, money-making tongue." The day after the cryfest, she invited one of her very rich, very gay, very hip interior design friends from NYC onto the show to explain to all of us why 3 zillion count thread sheets and all white fine china was the ONLY way to be happy. Oh, and to have your maid change said sheets at least every other night, "Because I simply MUST have crisp sheets." Yes, because she ain't gettin' any from Stedman and Gail's at home. So. That was the day when I quit completely. Any woman who claims she's relieving the pressure that American mothers feel to be perfect and get them to collapse in tears at 4pm (and, GOOD POINT, LotH,) and then has the audacity to have a show the next day about how you're simply not anybody if you're not living the high life loses all kind of credibility in my book. That and the fact that she's a horrid, horrid interviewer and so self-involved and indulgent it's obscene. I can't stand Oprah. Also, she hates America, but it's America that has allowed her to make her fucking billions of cash. So bite me, Oprah, and take your self-righteous, racist self somewhere where you can't roll around in everyone's adoration of you like a pig in mud.

Amy said...

You are hilarious! That was a fantastic post, and you put all of my repressed feelings about Oprah out there, and I didn't even know I had them.

Rebecca said...

I really do love me some Opes! I fell in love with her back in the late 80's or early 90's. I was home sick from school.... and watched her show. It had something to do with bank robbers and pedophiles. Anyway the point of the show was something about bank robbers getting a MUCH harsher sentence than a pedophile and Opes said something like 'America needs to do something to prove that they value their children more than their money, because right now, America cares more about their money'.

And it's true. Bank robbers, even without the use of a weapon, gets more time in jail than a pedophile. That's just wrong!

Marinka said...

Oprah doesn't defecate.

Anonymous said...

You rock!

bonanza jellybean said...

Heather - I agree 100% I have no love for her. I expect this is a Brett Favre (don't care if i spelled his name wrong either). It is too good to be true to see her go.

Amy said...

LOL!! HI-LARIOUS!!!

Also? Hate those fucking vision boards! My religious in-laws swear by this, but I'm more of your mentality. Though Antonio Sabato Jr. covered my high school locker inside and out, he never came a-knockin!

**sighs**

The Lady's Lounge said...

This post=absolute brilliance

I'm sure she has fantastic boobs and she is just greedily keeping them all to herself but I guess she's allowed one thing that she doesn't give away to the audience.

http://www.theladyslounge.com

mepsipax said...

I loved the blog...except the part about Oprah... I hate that bitch so much. You sucker. If Oprah says to read it, that means I usually burn it. And I love books.

phd in yogurtry said...

I'm going to miss Oprah. Miss the spirit of giving-back she brought to the talk show world. And the "get healthy" and "get yourself some therapy"" mindset she contributed. But really? As for crying, yes, she brought me to tears many times. Like the time I was big and preggers with my twins, marooned on the couch, and my husband walked in the door to find me crying buckets. He thought something serious was wrong - nearly gave him a heart attack. THEN how grateful to Oprah would I be?

myg said...

This post was so good, while reading I wished I'd ever watched Oprah. Even once.

Chelle said...

He paranoid parenting advice rings in my ears every day and she does. not. have. children?

WWOD?

nuckingfutsmama said...

OMG! I totally heart you because you are so fantabulously funny! You just completely summed up what I'm sure half the American population would agree with when it comes to the big O (and I'm not referring to the O that leaves you all warm & fuzzy & tingly inside). While she has done many great, awesome things (blah, blah, blah), I agree that she is a little too high & mighty for your average Joe. Most of us don't have our own personal ass wiper on hand 24/7, so I have a hard time believing that she can totally relate to any of the shit we normal people have to put up with. Anyway, thanks for the laughs -- you freaking rock the Twittersphere & blogiverse!

xoxo,
Nuckingfutsmama

A Mother's Thoughts said...

This is such a hillarious piece of randomness!! I hope that you don't really get this worked up over her though....

Cute Post!!

Lynn

Not Just A Mommy! said...

Yeah, I'm a big boobie-girl myself. And no booty to balance it out, so I always fear I may fall headfirst into a bowl of soup. But they got me many a drink at the club back in the day, so I can't hate. I'm married now, so they don't get me much anymore. I would totally swap a Breast Transplant for an Ass Transplant.

P.S. Lovin' the bitterness, every now and again I do a bit of blog bitterness myself, did one today on bulk bins...

Wombat Central said...

Can't stop laughing at the karate chops...

Mrs. Dreamer said...

I have not had McD's in almost six months. 'Round here, someone always seems to be getting sick. I miss my nuggets, tho.

BTW, I nominated you on my Happy 101 award. You're fab.

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

Hell Yeah, awesome!! I feel the same freaking way!!

karen said...

I left O when she towed out all that "fat" on a wagon in her temporary size 6 jeans. I had already given up dieting and accepted who I was (and lost weight as a result, o the irony) and I thought the way she had made it as is, and it never seemed like a big hairy deal was cool.

That day she lost her cool.

PLUS, that lady is just one big hypocrite. My example? She totally tells people to get therapy in one mouthful and, in the next, brags how "I've never done it myself, and I'm okay." Being wealthy, making it, is NOT being okay.

Gah.

That said, my mom in her retirement is a new fan. Kind of like when my sisters finally got starbucks in the burbs, and went on and on about it. Vancouver's first buckys opened in the late 80s, downtown, right around the corner from my first apartment. When it arrived in the burbs, and on every corner of every block in the city, we were OVER IT.

Ugh. sorry. non sequitur.

signed,

your newest (until the next second) follower.