I had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s. It was kind of a big deal although I’m pretty sure all we did was eat and wear hats. Regardless, it was the shit. The 70’s and 80’s were The Golden Ages of The Golden Arches. Ronald even had an entourage. Grimace, The Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, and some Fry Guys were The Trans Fat Pack. McDonald’s was all about people deserving a break and by break they meant stuffing your fat face. Then things started to change. The clown got greedy. McDonald’s went from 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun to you are now being considered for “The Biggest Loser.” As a rule, anything in life that’s “Super Sized” is probably going to hurt. What goes in must come out and Ronald’s Revenge is swift and mighty.
McDonald’s has been backpedaling for years. It’s a little shady to build a house in order to help children while also fattening them up. I’ve read that story before and it ends with a red headed clown being pushed into a scalding fat vat. I’m not fooled by the Apple Dippers and Yogurt Parfait. Who the fuck goes in for a double QPC but ends up with an Apple dipper? As a parent in a country of Oompa Loompa’s, letting your child bask in the glow of fast food heaven is a no-no. If CrackDonald’s is what you crave you gotta go on the DL.
A few weeks ago my son dropped his organic nut free lunch on the strep infested classroom floor. He wasn’t happy and I could foresee my day ending with Sake infused tears so I whispered, “I’ll take you to McDonald’s.” It was as if he had a mega-phone affixed to his tiny mouth. He announced to everyone within a 35 mile radius he was going to “McDONALD’S.” He also shared he was gonna have 2 cheeseburgers and fries just like he always does. Always does???? Time stood still. That little Assjacket put The Scarlet Arches on me. I swear one mom covered her child’s ears. I know some were thankful it wasn’t their kid outing them.
Fast Food is bad for you but it’s called a “Happy Meal” for a reason. Don’t “THEY” say everything in moderation? At least I’m honest. I hate those people who try to rationalize by saying they only crushed a 20 piece because they were wasted or on the road. Yeah, your arteries totally know not to clog because you ate a Big Mac with a cheese burger chaser at a rest stop. I’m starting a secret underground society of moms who occasionally worship those big floppy clown shoes. Who will join me?