Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Keeping Up With The Madoffs

I like to think my husband and I are good parents. When our children ask us tough questions, we straddle the line between telling the truth and seeking advice from Noggin. Hey, it's preschool on TV. Until recently this has worked like a charm.

This past Sunday, our children watched “101 Dalmatians.” Our 6 year old daughter was deeply affected by this cute Disney movie about kidnapping, thieves and animal cruelty. At bedtime she seemed extremely unsettled so my husband asked her if she was alright. He asked if the movie had upset her. She wanted to know if thieves were real and could they break into our house? This is what I like to call a “requesting backup” parenting moment. If her fear had been ghosts or monsters he could have gone in solo. However, thieves are tricky and he went it alone. 15 minutes later I slid into bed with my sweet girl. I prepared to sing her the same song I’ve sung to her almost every night since she was a baby. She snuggled into position with her arms around me and said, “Mama. Is Bernie Madoff gonna steal my puppy?”

My wonderful husband, the smartest man I’ve ever known, chose to make white collar criminal Bernie Madoff my daughter’s “Boogie Man.” I explained to her Bernie was never ever coming to our house, or any other house for that matter, since he was spending the rest of his life in jail. She was still freaked out. She wanted to know as much as she could about Mr. Madoff. “What does he look like? Does he have a roommate? What does he wear? What is his bed like?” I revealed as much as I could about him and then remembered his wife, Ruth. “Is Ruth alone? Does she have pets? Where does she sleep? Does she have a comfortable bed?” We also talked quite a bit about prison. Mostly about the food. We both wondered if inmates eat dessert. I sincerely hope serial killers don’t get tapioca.

Before I knew it 45 minutes had passed. I promised her we’d Google him in the morning. Sadly, I bet Bernie gets “Googled” a lot in prison. I felt really good about our conversation and she seemed to be ok. I kissed her goodnight and started to get up. She pulled me back and said, “Mama, I still have 4 scary things in my head. Ghosts, Monsters, Haunted Houses and Bernie Madoff.”

As I left her room my heart broke. I hope the only thing my beautiful children will ever have to fear is a 71 year old lying sack of shit billionaire thief who's safely tucked away in prison for 170 years.

15 comments:

Why Is said...

hilarious... love it...and please...tell your kids, every time I open my wallet or pick a retirement plan, I poo myself a little thinking Madoff is standing right behind me scribbling notes....

P.S. don't let her watch A Weekend at Bernies...it'll totally fuck her up.

phd in yogurtry said...

And sadly, I think white collar criminals due parole are picking Madoff's brain for ideas to scam with kickback promises.

Mwa said...

That's too funny. What if he googles himself and comes across your blog?

mixorr said...

Brilliant....seriously brilliant.....and, you know, perhaps you should keep her away from the catholic church, too, they might "steal" her innocence....oh wait, they are only interested in your son.

WebSavvyMom said...

-->I love that your husband made a real life monster the boogie man to your child. You can always tell her he's scare of honest people so as long as she's honest, he'll never come around!

~deb
www.websavvymom.com

Elly Lou said...

What happens when Bernie gets bit by a zombie and escapes Azkaban?!?!

Rebecca said...

I love it. Scared of Bernie........I'd like to know what all your husband said, that's some funny stuff

Ben said...

Hahaha! Bernie Madoff is the bogeyman!

J.R. Reed said...

My first thought was not to let her watch Weekend at Bernies. Maddoff should be so lucky....

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

Fantastic! I totally agree with your last sentence, ditto x 10!!

The Poetess said...

Oh my gosh, I love your posts. I have been keeping up with your blog for quite some time now, and I must say you are quite funny. You definitely tackle the daily grind of parenting (and life in general) in an honest, accurate, witty way.

Even though I'm NOWHERE near a parent yet, I feel like you are helping me prepare for motherhood in your own fucked up way. LOL. I should probably start taking notes... ;)

Your kids sound like a scream, and I'm sure being a parent is a rewarding task. :)

I'm not sure if you like poetry, but if so, check out my weekly poetry blog: thepoetessandthependulum.blogspot.com. I post a new poem every friday.

HAPPY PARENTING!!! :)

Sharon said...

Funny and poignant. Really well written.

We had our daughter come up with an elaborate trap for her boogie-man. Her idea was to put her Cinderella dress in a net strung across the closet doorway. Monster tries to come through closet. Gets entangled in net. Has to wear the princess dress, which makes him itchy. He decides never to return.

We also had a bottle of anti-monster spray. She knew it was a hoax, but I told her that, since monsters are only in her imagination, the best way to deal with them was imaginary monster spray.

Stefanie said...

Damn kids movies. Scariest crap out there. Why bother with horror flicks, just watch Bambi.

Genius Madoff plan though. Brilliant. You should write a children's book.

The Lady's Lounge said...

Ha! Brilliance.

B said...

Ran across your blog from another blog, and this Bernie Madoff story made me laugh so hard I had tears and nearly woke up the kids.