My daughter is enamored with my husband and honestly I can’t blame her. He’s a rock star in our house. So much so that my birthday card this year was a picture she drew of him. When I asked her why my card was a picture of daddy she said, “So you can think of him.” Ummm okay? A few days later she tells me, “I want daddy to do my eye drops. I’m just really attached to him right now. I mean, I like you.” You like me? Excuse me? The final straw was when she busted out with, “daddy is the funniest one in the family.” What the shit!?!? GIRRRRLLL I’LL PULL YO WEAVE!!!!
My son has been acting like a complete asshole lately. I know this sounds harsh, but it’s the most accurate description of his behavior. Go ahead, judge me. I’ll make you spend a month with him. I jest a little. He’s an amazing boy who I love very much but he makes life harder than it needs to be. At least twice a week he shuns me at pre-school pick up. While the other moms are greeted with smiles and outstretched arms I get, “No! I want daddy.” It takes all my power not to say “So do I. I want nothing more than to be with daddy, sipping cocktails, naked on an island but the reality is I’m here to pick you up.” For the next few hours he flip flops between declaring his love for me and threatening to push me down the stairs and send me to jail. It’s like living with Ike Turner. If Lifetime had a Jr.’s division we’d sure as shit be an original movie.
Recently we had an extra challenging morning at our house. I’m not gonna bore you with the details but it was a cluster fuck. I don’t know how we veered off schedule but we did and tensions ran high. After three fights and two rounds of tears over French Toast Sticks, we were almost out the door. My son turned to me and said, “Mama. I’m gonna marry you tonight.” My daughter got all pissed and it turned into another argument. In the midst of all of it, I realized they’re fighting over me and I smiled. She doesn’t want to kill me so she can marry her father and not all boys want to fuck their mothers. Although the last time I agreed to marry him he did say, “YAY! And then we’ll get babies!” On second thought maybe I should sleep with one eye open.