Sunday, August 22, 2010

What I Did Over My Summer Vacation By Lady of the House

I was more social than studious in school. Shocker, I know. However, I loved opening my Blue Book at the beginning of the year and writing about what I did over my summer vacation. Since I rent this little space on the internet I’d like to share some of this summer’s highlights.

Wiped my son’s asshole: For the first half of summer this act took place at his bequest every morning at 6:30 AM. I’d be in a delicious slumber and he’d bellow, “Mama! Can you wipe me up? Mama! Wipe me up!” Many suggested leaving him to his own devices but when I did, they were covered in poop. It was easier to sleep-wipe and go back to bed.

Ate enough to clog the arteries of a small village: From popcorn to ice cream. Wine tastings to Nutella, I ate the shit out of this summer. You would think being half naked in public would quell my desire for frosty treats but it only made me want them more. Luckily, I stopped short and bowed out of the “Gorilla Challenge.” (8 scoops + toppings = name on the Wall of Fame.)

Fantasized about the insanely gorgeous 30 year old man who guards the beach in front of our beach house: I lovingly refer to this man as “Lifeguard.” He makes drowning a sex act. I believe this is a direct correlation to one of the other things I did a lot this summer.

Had lazy mornings: I’ve never been a morning person and frankly if we don’t have to be somewhere before 10, why bother? I’m not ashamed to admit there were weekdays I slept until 9:30AM. It helped that my husband and I developed a fool proof plan on how to sleep in with children*.

*Except for the time they watched 25 minutes of “The Hangover” while we snored and drooled.

Went on an amazing 10 day beach vacation with my family: One of the perks of my marriage is my husband and I have tons of fun together. Sadly, the confines of our daily lives make it so we don’t get to spend as much time together. Being on vacation with him makes life better. Luckily his semen & my eggs created two beach dwelling offspring, plus if they act up we just bury them in the sand.

All in all, this summer I got tan, fat, and laid.



THE END

16 comments:

Why Is Daddy Crying said...

holy shit you wrote a blog post!!!! Ummm...you forgot to mention that you had more sex than the entire married population x 10.

Glad to see you pounding on the keys again and writing again!!

Green V-Neck said...

That bastard is wrongwrongwrong, I fucked my way through this entire year.

Also, can I just say, kids should be BORN knowing how to wipe their own asses. This summer has spurred our own in-house-camp of WipeYerOwnAss for the 5yo.

So glad you blogged & so glad I met you on Twitter!

Green V-Neck said...

Oh. Hey, maybe I should amend my previous comment to mention that I fucked MY HUSBAND. And after 16 years it is still awesome.

Suniverse said...

Sounds like the perfect summer to me!

PS I STILL love school supply shopping.

CarrieJ said...

Although I am not a beach person, I did enjoy all the Lifeguard posts. He is indeed dreamy and might make me forget the bad juju of sex on the beach. Good to see you blogging again! Love ya!

Jason said...

You posted! Sounds like an awesome summer to me. Sand, food, sex, poop and your own private "Hoff".

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Eat
Poop
Win

That's the title to your summer vacation book.

Rebecca said...

I want to visit the beach. So so so bad.

The Lady's Lounge said...

Tan, fat, and laid. What more does a girl need on summer vacation? Wait, throw in lime margaritas and we're really good to go.

Let the kid wipe his own ass. Hose him off later, when you roll out of bed.

mamacreates.com said...

Well well, lookie who decided to stop playing with her children & start writing again. It's about fucking time. And, by the way? I officially hate you for getting a beach house & a hottie to go with it.

xoxo

Allison Zapata said...

YAY YOU ARE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! So exciting :)

Now I am off to wipe an asshole...

love you!

MommaKiss said...

being tan totally hides the fat. so, you know, you have like a month or so to lose the chub before that tan fades.

yogurt said...

And that, my dear, is what we call the good life!

Kristi said...

Sounds like a perfect summer to me!!! And please no more 3 month breaks between posts, k thanks!!!!!!!!!

Old School/New School Mom said...

Please disclose your full-proof sleeping in plan immediately!

Madison said...

Sounds like an awesome summer. Glad you are back.