I love Labor Day although I have absolutely no idea why we celebrate it. I know it signifies the end of summer and for many of us it’s Mother Nature’s 10 minute warning before she bends us over to insert her icy dildo. I started reading about Labor Day but frankly it was too labor intensive and involved murder at the hands of the government. So, I’ve decided to interpret it as I see fit. Understand this list is specific to me. If you or someone you know does one or more of these jobs, then please enjoy the fruit basket that awaits you in heaven. Think of me as I munch on Wasa Bread in hell.
Top 10 Jobs I’m Thankful I Don’t Have:
#1 Bathroom Attendant – Really? Isn’t it bad enough we have to relieve ourselves next to others doing the same thing. Why is it necessary to subject an innocent bystander to the vocal stylings of our excrement? What Assjacket can’t work a faucet? Besides, the tips are shitty.
#2 Hotel Maid - Although this is a necessary service, it’s one I would NEVER perform unless outfitted in a spacesuit. It’s called “Hotel Sex” for a reason. In fact there are certain hotel rooms which should be receiving child support since they contain as much of our DNA as our own children. There aren’t enough pillow chocolates to entice me to touch, let alone, clean the remote control in a hotel room.
#3 American Girl Doll Hair Stylist - The dolls are easy to handle and obviously can’t complain if you fuck up. But the owners, God help you. I’ve stood and watched hundreds of mini Leona Helmsley’s bark orders at stylists regarding their little generic playmate’s coiffes. You never want to mess with a tiny tyrant. Lord knows what happened to these dolls to make their hair so fucked up in the first place.
#4 Flight attendant – Because recycled air, unwashed masses and unlimited alcohol can be a dangerous combination. There are a host of other reasons I’d never willingly fly back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, but if I tell you, the terrorists win. FYI, in my mind terrorists are also people who: remove nail polish, fart into the seat thinking the odor will be absorbed, get drunk & belligerent, eat liver & onions, and masturbate next to you while watching “Top Chef.”
#5 Mine Sweeper – In a nutshell, I have a terrible sense of direction even with a GPS. Plus, something tells me I wouldn’t pull off the wooden leg look like Heather Mills.
#6 Prostitute – Although I’d most likely be “Employee of the Month”, I don’t even like shaking a stranger’s hand. ‘Nuff said. Also, I can’t walk in heels.
#7 Drug Lord or The President – In my mind these jobs are interchangeable. Both require little sleep (something I just can’t part with) and selling your soul. I could never live with the pressure associated with these thankless high profile jobs.
#8 Celebrity Assistant – Honestly this may be the worst job out there. I imagine most of these self centered, overindulgent, and megalomaniacal (or MegaLOHANiacal) people run circles around your average set of quintuplets when it comes to whiney, ludicrous demands.
Eh, it’s Labor Day so 8’s good enough for me.