Monday, September 6, 2010

Top 10 Jobs I'm Thankful I Don't Have

I love Labor Day although I have absolutely no idea why we celebrate it. I know it signifies the end of summer and for many of us it’s Mother Nature’s 10 minute warning before she bends us over to insert her icy dildo. I started reading about Labor Day but frankly it was too labor intensive and involved murder at the hands of the government. So, I’ve decided to interpret it as I see fit. Understand this list is specific to me. If you or someone you know does one or more of these jobs, then please enjoy the fruit basket that awaits you in heaven. Think of me as I munch on Wasa Bread in hell.

Top 10 Jobs I’m Thankful I Don’t Have:

#1 Bathroom Attendant – Really? Isn’t it bad enough we have to relieve ourselves next to others doing the same thing. Why is it necessary to subject an innocent bystander to the vocal stylings of our excrement? What Assjacket can’t work a faucet? Besides, the tips are shitty.

#2 Hotel Maid - Although this is a necessary service, it’s one I would NEVER perform unless outfitted in a spacesuit. It’s called “Hotel Sex” for a reason. In fact there are certain hotel rooms which should be receiving child support since they contain as much of our DNA as our own children. There aren’t enough pillow chocolates to entice me to touch, let alone, clean the remote control in a hotel room.

#3 American Girl Doll Hair Stylist - The dolls are easy to handle and obviously can’t complain if you fuck up. But the owners, God help you. I’ve stood and watched hundreds of mini Leona Helmsley’s bark orders at stylists regarding their little generic playmate’s coiffes. You never want to mess with a tiny tyrant. Lord knows what happened to these dolls to make their hair so fucked up in the first place.

#4 Flight attendant – Because recycled air, unwashed masses and unlimited alcohol can be a dangerous combination. There are a host of other reasons I’d never willingly fly back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, but if I tell you, the terrorists win. FYI, in my mind terrorists are also people who: remove nail polish, fart into the seat thinking the odor will be absorbed, get drunk & belligerent, eat liver & onions, and masturbate next to you while watching “Top Chef.”

#5 Mine Sweeper – In a nutshell, I have a terrible sense of direction even with a GPS. Plus, something tells me I wouldn’t pull off the wooden leg look like Heather Mills.

#6 Prostitute – Although I’d most likely be “Employee of the Month”, I don’t even like shaking a stranger’s hand. ‘Nuff said. Also, I can’t walk in heels.

#7 Drug Lord or The President – In my mind these jobs are interchangeable. Both require little sleep (something I just can’t part with) and selling your soul. I could never live with the pressure associated with these thankless high profile jobs.

#8 Celebrity Assistant – Honestly this may be the worst job out there. I imagine most of these self centered, overindulgent, and megalomaniacal (or MegaLOHANiacal) people run circles around your average set of quintuplets when it comes to whiney, ludicrous demands.

Eh, it’s Labor Day so 8’s good enough for me.

16 comments:

Old School/New School Mom said...

I am so thankful, on this unceremonious Labor Day, that I hold none of these jobs.

Francis said...

Hahahaha, great post; nice to have a good laugh while I sit at home with my feet up.

I wouldn't mind being a celebrity assistant. This is how I see it: spend two or three years being driven to the point of insanity by a self-indulgent star and then write a tell-all memoir. Cha-ching, ba-da-bing. Just make sure to sign the confidentiality agreement "Daffy Duck" or some other fake name. :)

ajm said...

Scariest place I've ever been is NEAR the American Girl Doll store in Chicago. Really freaky, in a Stepford kind of way.

ilanarose said...

I'm gonna go with wedding planner. If you have to be on the receiving end of a tirade that has to do with napkin placement or seating car set-up, you better at least be dealing with a famous person!

Elly Lou said...

Oh c'mon! That was an incredibly steamy episode of Top Chef. Yow to the za!

Carol said...

Let's not forget Hooters girl or plumber. I mean seriously, day after day after day having to show either cleavage or butt crack to total strangers? Plus, neither my boobs or my butt are big enough, discrimination I say!

MommaKiss said...

I wouldn't want to be a day care teacher. Wiping noses and asses all day long? Of other people's kids? No fucking way.

Madison said...

Funny post and an interesting a timely topic. great to have you back; I've been checking for your return. Missed August but now that I know you are back, I'll be visiting often.

BuenoBaby said...

Bathroom attendant is high on my list too. However, I'd have to say the guy who came in and mopped up my innards after I delivered my daughter. Whatever that job's called...I don't want it.

AlexanderDope said...

I'm so happy that you're writing again. Now I'll have some reliable laughs to help me battle seasonal affect disorder as the days grow depressingly short. Welcome back, my friend.

The Lady's Lounge said...

When my daughter was 4 years old she said
"I can't decide if, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor or one of those guys on the street who hold out their hat and ask for money."

I couldn't decide if I was more scared for her future (being a doctor is very stressful) or proud of her for having the same respect for a homeless pan handler as she did for a doctor.

I could never be a Celebrity Assistant. It would never be about me.

mepsipax said...

Wow, you couldn't even make it to 10.

yogurt said...

taxi driver. I feel anticipatory depression at the thought of making one trip that involves rush hour.

Maggie May said...

sewer cleaner.

Kelley said...

I'd love to be #3. But what I'd love even more is to be one of those characters on Yo gabba Gabba. Foofa would be great.
~Kelley
www.eazilyamuzed.com

HowToBeADad said...

You forgot Adult Video/Arcade store cashier/clerk. Cleaning those "stalls".That's a fun one.
::HowToBeADad.com::