Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Theatre Of The Absurd

Lately the phrase “I’m telling” makes my sphincter tighten and my chin break out. It seems every five seconds a grave injustice is being committed in our house or car and being reported to me faster than you can say TMZ. A minor infraction, like being called a “poopy baby diaper,” seems to carry the same weight as being bludgeoned in the back with a LEGO ship, on purpose. I understand the importance of “If You See Something, Say Something” but can you imagine if we lived in a society where every pissy little thing was reported? Flicking a cigarette out the window would incite an OJ style police chase. Not holding the door for someone would be grounds for the guillotine. I’m tired of being judge, jury and executioner for ridiculous trials like this:

Plaintiff: “He called me a baby diaper.”
Judge: “Did you call her a baby diaper?”
Defendant: Yes. But she—
Judge: “Bup bup. Yes or No?”
Defendant: “Yes.”
Judge: “Are you in fact a baby diaper?”
Plaintiff: “No”
Judge: “Move on.”

My new motto is, “Work it out.” You were born with common sense; you need to start to use it. In fact I’ve adopted a “Don’t Bleed, Don’t Tell” policy. If you’re not bleeding, I don’t want to hear it. Unlike that other silly military one, mine makes sense. I no longer want to mediate peace talks regarding “The Middle Couch” or vote on “America’s Next Top Whiner.” I understand there will be some kinks. I mean, a Wii controller to the face still carries a sentence of solitary confinement but I'll no longer listen to the petty bullshit and instead say, "go tell your father."

FYI, when one little kid calls another little kid a “poopy baby diaper” they’re essentially saying you’re a “piece of shit.”

22 comments:

Crystal said...

yay! welcome back! I always love reading your posts and they've been few and far between lately.

This post was hilarious and made me think of my childhood beating and biting my sisters. My parents were pretty lax about what they would punish us for, but the day I pushed my baby sister down the stairs in her rolly chair, they unleashed the crazy.

Mwa said...

Mine goes: "Is it dangerous, are they about to break something? No? Then I don't want to hear it."

mamacreates.com said...

E is still telling me about how cousin Hunter pinched her ankle. Four months ago.

ajm said...

Add to that dialogue, "Maaa-ommm, he's LOOKING at me!!!" and it's like you're riding in the car with me.

Great post. :)

KeepingYouAwake said...

I agree. I'd rather see a bruise later and ask what it's from. That's a conversation starter. Always conclude with "well then, don't do it again."

Why Is Daddy Crying said...

I fantasize when you're knocking boots with the ole man you make him call you a baby poopy diaper!

Good post Lady. Glad to see your fingers pounding on the keyboard again!

Not a Granny said...

I used to use the bleeding one but had to amend it to..."is blood squirting across the room?..no...go back to playing."

Elly Lou said...

I feel and look like a poopy baby diaper. Coincidentally I'm bleeding. Otherwise I wouldn't have alerted you. Also, I like cold meds. And lego ships. And naps. *head crashes into keyboard*

mepsipax said...

Ahhh kids....see that problem is the plural. I only have one. Less trouble. However,if he makes another kid bleed the problems are bigger. And, I too have a no bleed policy.

WebSavvyMom said...

-->My stepkids (brother and sister) were fighting so much and tattling that before we left them alone all day my husband made them hug each other for 3 minutes and then both say I Love You to the other. It worked like a charm.

toywithme said...

She's back and taking NO SHIT from anyone! *fist pump*

Allison Zapata said...

Great essay, friend!!

LOVES!! :) XOXOXO

Mommy Wis(h)dom said...

We have similiar rules in our house. My first questions is "Are you bleeding?" If the answer is no I don't want to hear about it. However the little whipper snappers just kept beating each other until someone was bledding so then they could tell me. damnit! I was contemplating a "If you aren't on fire...I dont want to hear about it rule." but I'm afraid they have thought this out more than I have. Crap!

Anonymous said...

ok ur back u rock i think im gonna go with the way u do it makes tons and tons of sense thanks\ang

thepsychobabble said...

If nothing is bleeding or broken, I don't want to hear it.

karen said...

My favourite (along this line) is when mine are fighting over an object. I tell them to work it out themselves but, failing that, I put my hand out. The object is deposited in my hand and put up high until they can make a plan that doesn't involve yelling at each other/me. Even my three year old is capable of negotiating if I get out of my way.

Funniest thing is that now I put my hand out (not a word uttered) and my kids say, "Hang on a second ..." they confer and then say to me, "never mind ... we've figured out a plan."

(Wipes brow)

I think there is a difference between telling on each other (attention seeking) and "See something, say something", but I am going to think about having a conversation with my older two (grades 2 and 1) about the See and Say, now that you've mentioned it. Thanks for giving me that to think about ...

yogurt said...

It's hard when one sibling is gifted with superior goading power over the others. Very hard not to intervene to defend the underdog. I confess I am a complete and utter waffler on this score.

kittycat said...

Damn your kids are smart.

My kids are 16 and 20. If they think the other one is a pos, then they just say it.

No more running to mommy.

New here

Kelley said...

Your hysterical! Love it!

1 Funky Woman said...

Dam you are funny as he'll! Well I don't think Hell is funny but I think I might make it fun ok I digress. I found you through Twitter and I am laughing. I so don't like those stickers either but and yes threes a but I have one that says my family is a nightmare, does that count as someone you hate?

Megan

Stone Fox said...

most overused phrase, by me, "i. do. not. want. to. hear. about. it."

second, "unless you are bleeding AND on fire, i do not want to hear about it."

"dirty poopy bum," "vagina penis head," and "vulva poop head" are what's hot around here these days. why the FUCK did i teach them the proper anatomical names? that one really bit me in the ass.

JC Little said...

I told my kids YEARS AGO, that I would only answer 1 out of every 5 "events". I got the idea from my friend Ruth (may she RIP) and bugger me sideways if it didn't work like a charm.

Thanks Ruth! *waves*