My Dearest Children,
I write to you on the eve of my 40th fucking birthday. I have taught you many things in your young lives but NOTHING will be as important as what I write to you now. Why now? Because I want to make sure I am of sound mind when I explain what I will require in my golden years.
How to Properly Care For Your Elderly Mama:
•Please don’t let me sit in shit. I never left you in poopy so pay it forward.
•Don’t let me have facial hair. There are few things more disturbing than an old lady with a goatee.
•Since I’m convinced I will have octogenarian acne, please place a band-aid over any blemishes resembling a teratoma.
•Insist I put my teeth in. Unless daddy tells you to take them out.
•Place daddy and I in bed together and lock the door. Come back in 15 minutes and don’t ask questions.
•Please cut up my sushi. No one wants to see an old lady gum a piece of tuna.
•If at all possible make sure I have a male nurse who looks like Zak Efron shower me.
•If I can’t roll it myself please roll it for me. (It’ll be legal by then)
•Make sure I don’t trip over my boobs.
•Draw in my eyebrows as well as a teardrop prison tat so people know I’m still a badass bitch.
•If I lose my hair please do not cover my scalp with anything from the Jessica Simpson wig collection.
•Don’t get upset when I tell you things over and over and over again.
•Don’t get upset when I tell you things over and over and over again.
Shit, it’s happening already.
**I love you my babies. Yes, you will always be my babies.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
22 comments:
Love it!! You crack me up...so glad you are blogging again.
I wonder if I should start being more patient with my kids when they tell me things over and over again. Because right now.....that's all they do.
HAHAHA! ....Hey wait a minute. You think you'll only need 15 minutes when you're 80? Wow.
I'm gonna need a lot of laser in the next couple decades. Thanks for reminding me.
dear schnookums...that's not your boobs your tripping over. Happy 40th...you make that shit look easy for us young-folk.
I SAID...YOU MAKE THAT SHIT LOOK EASY FOR US YOUNG-FOLK!!!!!!
Deaf old-ass bish...
Words to live by!
Great one! Except for the showering thing. I'd have the guy shower in front of me, but having young totty see me in all my droopy glory while he's dressed - no thanks. Then give me nurse Ratchet any day.
Love it & love YOU! Hope you have the hap-hap-happiest birthday since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye! ;-)
Fabulous! Happy Birthday!
Have an awesome birthday, and stuff.
Happiest of birthdays. May you never trip over your tits.
Happy Birthday! 40 is supposed to be the new 30 ... damn, remember how old we used to think 30 was! ;) You just get better with age. Love you!
Delurking to say Happy Birthday! Write on!
Awesome! Happy Birthday! You're just a spring chick though cuz 40 is the new 20 :)
Oh man, LOVE daddy's comment.
Anyway, happy 40th, lover. Which reminds me. This means we've been twitter lovers for over a year. And you be my favorite of all the bad-ass, rene-moms.
Party it up real good, lady!
xoxo
I loved them all but this is, by far, my favorite: •Insist I put my teeth in. Unless daddy tells you to take them out.
Second? The 40's is an excellent sex decade for women. Just sayin'
Happy Belated Birthday!
Totally going to teach my children how to roll for me before I reach the age where I can no longer do it myself.
I love reading your blog, you are an inspiration to me...........freedom of speech!!!!!
http://mamachellec.blogspot.com/search/label/welcome
must remember to remember coming back to this for a laugh when I'm remembering to remember something funny when I'm an Elderly Mama too! HYSTERICAL!
Scary, but true.
I tell my kids the same things over and over again as it is.
It's normally "DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL!"
I don't know why I bother. When I go senile I might make food sculptures with stuff I've already chewed. That will serve them right.
Happy 40th (I turned 41 in Feb.)
I think I'm in love! And am saving a copy to give my children (though hiding from my own parents!)
Will you please blog more?
Oh, and funny word verification: trydem. Why, yes, I'd like to try dem!
Honestly... this is the best blog I have ever read. Fuck blogging - write a book cause i want you on my shelf.
Post a Comment