Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Top 10 Reasons Why I Wouldn’t Make A Good Princess

-If the paparazzi were chasing me I’d be hanging out the Bentley screaming, “stop acting like fucking assholes. Go fuck yourself!”

-I have a bad stomach. I had diarrhea in the only public bathroom before and during my grandfather’s funeral, I clogged the toilet at my sister’s wedding and I shit myself in the parking lot of Party City. Princesses don’t even fart.

-I snore and on occasion have drooled on my face, hand and pillow. A proper princess should appear beautiful and almost dead while sleeping.

-I already have too many stepmothers. Some poisons you just can’t taste.

-I like to party – leave it at that until it’s legal

-No prince can save me. I’m not so much a damsel in distress as I’m a slow moving train wreck. My savior will be no man as I already have the best one. I’ll save myself.

-I’d totally whore out my title. I’d be all, “Umm hello???? I’m a fucking Princess???????”

-I forget people’s names 23 seconds after I meet them and we all know how I handle pressure.

-I measure relative humidity with my hair and princesses don’t wear extensions.

-Princesses only get kissed. I want to get laid.

12 comments:

clearness said...

This is the funniest thing I've read all day long and I've read a lot today and am about to go to bed. I bet I'll have fun dreams. Thanks!

Deanna @ The Unnatural Mother said...

Fucking fabulous darhlinnnnnggg!

Wombat Central said...

I will now think of you every time I see a Party City.

Why Is Daddy Crying said...

After reading this I'm 100% sure they fashioned the character Shrek after you.

Glad to see you still knew the log-in to your blog!! Awesome job schnookums!

Elly Lou said...

Not only would I not notice a pea under my mattress, I can sleep on top of my vibrator without noticing.

Charlie said...

For the record, I think all of those ARE prerequisites for being a princess. But a few other points:

1. I have a 7/10 record on this one.
2. A slow moving trainwreck = a panda making love.
3. I did not know you were also a Kardashian.

This post is amazing.

KeepingYouAwake said...

At least one of these statements is a lie.

You are a princess.

Carol said...

Fabulous- let's not forget- who wants to be a princess- not even a little tongue on your wedding day. Not for me!

renegademothering said...

Check it out. I am pole dancing naked in my living room, integrating ballet I learned at Juliard with the moves I honed while stripping in Oakland. All of this is in celebration of your blog. It fills me with joy.

Rockabilly Gypsy said...

unbelievably glorious! Anything that makes me shoot bourbon out of nose laughing is aces in my book!

custom gift cards said...

You'd be my favorite princess if you yelled things like that to the pappz, no lie.

Key Tags said...

Totally laughed at the last one. You're forever hilarious ♥