Sunday, May 22, 2011

TGI....M?

Recently I read about a 32 year old Brazilian woman who won the right to masturbate at work. This woman can legally rub one out, several times a day, at the office. How in the hell did this cum to be? The article explained how she suffers from anxiety & hypersexuality and masturbation helps her take the edge off. Hellooooo???? Masturbation takes the edge off for……EVERYONE. Frankly, who doesn’t have a twinge of anxiety and hypersexuality? It’s rampant in society today. The cheating scandals alone have become so salacious it would take Woody Harrelson fornicating with a dolphin to get anyone’s attention. This woman is literally a fucking genius. She’s a modern day Norma Rae, fighting for “Labia Unions.” Who couldn’t benefit from being allowed to clean the pipes during the day?

Employers would have to provide gender specific, clean, private spaces where employees could go to “work the spreadsheet” or “jam the copier.” Let’s call it a “Masturbation Chamber.” The Chamber is part Swiss Army lounge and part self cleaning oven. Once you walk in, the door locks, the lights dim, a screen drops from the ceiling and with a wave of your hand under the lube dispenser away you go. The only thing you’ll ever have to touch is yourself. The Chamber is designed to make your 5 minute experience as efficient and enjoyable as possible. Once you’re out of the room it’s cleaned, sanitized and ready for your annoying co-worker who smells like kimchi. We do live in the age of technology. I’d be surprised if the Japanese weren’t already working on a prototype. Recent tragedy aside, they’re a horny little culture and I for one will be happy when they’re back on their backs.

Imagine how much better your work week would be if you could, “Take 5. Stroke one out and circle back.” You have a major deadline you’re worried about making? Crank it out and then crank it out. You’re about to give a career making speech to the Board of Directors? Clear your head so you can clear your head. You’ve made too many grande soy venti mocha iced blended fuckyouitscoffees for impolite people? On second thought, maybe food service is exempt.

I bet the economy would bounce back and production would increase dramatically if employees were allowed to take a moment or 3 to Rub-a-dub-dub. Workplace masturbation would insure people making decisions are really focused on making good decisions. We’d certainly have less hang ups about sex. Not to mention the health benefits. Men would be less aggressive. Women would be more relaxed. I know for a fact Dr. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhz would be on board. At least he is when I think about him. I’m not going to say we won’t have issues but I assume people would be less likely to blow shit up after 3 orgasms. So the next time you find yourself stressed out at work stick this idea in your suggestion box.

19 comments:

Nicole said...

Hells. Fucking. Yes.

Deanna @ The Unnatural Mother said...

Brilliant. I know I would be less of a bitch of I had the p
OpportunIty

Rebecca said...

So glad to hear from you. You always make me laugh! Loved this!

Anonymous said...

1. "Labia Unions" = genius.
2. I don't you know or use enough euphemisms for masturbating.
3. I would only be in favor of this if they played "The Best Around" like Karate Kid while I performed my manual labor.

Why Is Daddy Crying said...

You'd masturbate at church if you didn't think your family would disown you. Who am I kidding? I would too. Nice "essay" bish.

Wombat Central said...

Also lol over Labia Unions. So needed a laugh today. Thanks for that.:D

KeepingYouAwake said...

Evidently I'm a pioneer, way ahead of my time. See you in a few minutes.

TheNextMartha said...

"My" office already has this.

Pete Puma said...

I'd try to shake that woman's hand every opportunity I got...then not-so-discreetly sniff my fingers as I walked away.

Jbabs said...

I'm so on board to support this.

Perhaps it should be exported to the Middle East. Perhaps if the men there could achieve satisfaction during the day, there would be no need to mark their territory with suicide bombers

tracy said...

god, I fucking love you.

xoxo

yogurt said...

So, there's a five-minute reprieve on the workplace internet porn ban? I cannot imagine sitting in a courtroom, sitting in the witness box, talking about how I need to masturbate at my desk. Holy orgasm, batman!

The Lady's Lounge said...

SHUT UP!!
I need one of... wait. I work from home... I already...
Oh my god this is amazing!

Anonymous said...

Still the funniest person I know.

Heather Griffith Brewer said...

Haven't men been doing this for years?

Ruby Q's Boutique said...

Need Clarification . . . since I teach Human Sexuality, does this mean I can just masturbate during class?

What do you mean that's Harassment? I'm confused.

gifts to India said...

Nice information....

The Boob Nazi said...

Where is the link to this article?!

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Hey great, this has been an awesome help to me, I have had some really strange annoyances in my personal life recently and it is funny how certain things can really pick you back up or make you look differently on the horrible things and get working on the other things in life. Anyway thank you a lot.

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