tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065Fri, 11 May 2012 13:29:51 +0000HumorchildrenFlyingStay at home momdrivingLady GaGaCougarseatingLifeguardMusicDrugsParentingI'm blogging as fast as I canhttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/noreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)Blogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-34574363250554422Mon, 23 May 2011 02:08:00 +00002011-05-23T19:23:21.739-04:00Recently I read about a 32 year old Brazilian woman who won the right to masturbate at work. This woman can legally rub one out, several times a day, at the office. How in the hell did this cum to be? The article explained how she suffers from anxiety & hypersexuality and masturbation helps her take the edge off. Hellooooo???? Masturbation takes the edge off for……EVERYONE. Frankly, who doesn’t http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2011/05/tgim.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-4275911429426899554Fri, 29 Apr 2011 02:28:00 +00002011-04-28T22:29:25.813-04:00-If the paparazzi were chasing me I’d be hanging out the Bentley screaming, “stop acting like fucking assholes. Go fuck yourself!” -I have a bad stomach. I had diarrhea in the only public bathroom before and during my grandfather’s funeral, I clogged the toilet at my sister’s wedding and I shit myself in the parking lot of Party City. Princesses don’t even fart. -I snore and on occasion have http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2011/04/top-10-reasons-why-i-wouldnt-make-good.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-395216488435855211Tue, 29 Mar 2011 02:58:00 +00002011-03-29T13:55:12.338-04:00 THIS SPACE FOR RENT. OWNER FACING FORECLOSURE. WRITER MENTALLY BANKUPT. GOING CHEAP We believe the writer fled in the middle of the night. She must have left in a hurry because there was a glass of water and the smell of marajuana in the air. The place is quite nice, cheerful and loaded with sarcasm and puns. All it really needs is a good paint job and maybe upgrade the electrical box. http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2011/03/attractive-box-for-rent.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-2674092575433532605Sat, 15 Jan 2011 03:50:00 +00002011-01-14T22:50:36.187-05:00My Dearest Children, I write to you on the eve of my 40th fucking birthday. I have taught you many things in your young lives but NOTHING will be as important as what I write to you now. Why now? Because I want to make sure I am of sound mind when I explain what I will require in my golden years. How to Properly Care For Your Elderly Mama: •Please don’t let me sit in shit. I never left you inhttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2011/01/driving-miss-crazy.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-3655395803366328361Tue, 14 Dec 2010 05:08:00 +00002010-12-14T00:19:00.452-05:0010 years ago today I had a nervous breakdown in a nail salon, picked a fight with my betrothed, did a shot and quietly mumbled my way through my wedding ceremony. Don’t get me wrong I was overjoyed to be marrying my husband; I just wanted to do it privately. I didn’t want anyone else to witness something so important to me, but I’m kooky and slightly neurotic. FINE! I’m completely neurotic. Youhttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/12/its-decade-damn-it.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-3719238718845174723Mon, 08 Nov 2010 02:43:00 +00002010-11-07T21:47:27.182-05:00When I was a girl my bedtime routine consisted of washing and brushing. Within minutes I was in bed, snuggled with my stuffed animals. As I got older the occasional blemish popped up requiring an extra step, but I was still warm and cozy fairly quickly. In college, convinced I looked like a Puerto Rican boy, I began “moustache maintenance” which further increased my time commitment. Luckily in http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/11/goodnight-youth.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-2538176771266019346Tue, 26 Oct 2010 04:05:00 +00002010-10-26T08:18:39.226-04:00Lately the phrase “I’m telling” makes my sphincter tighten and my chin break out. It seems every five seconds a grave injustice is being committed in our house or car and being reported to me faster than you can say TMZ. A minor infraction, like being called a “poopy baby diaper,” seems to carry the same weight as being bludgeoned in the back with a LEGO ship, on purpose. I understand the http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/10/theatre-of-absurd.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-1357851293363389669Mon, 06 Sep 2010 22:18:00 +00002010-09-06T18:20:04.438-04:00I love Labor Day although I have absolutely no idea why we celebrate it. I know it signifies the end of summer and for many of us it’s Mother Nature’s 10 minute warning before she bends us over to insert her icy dildo. I started reading about Labor Day but frankly it was too labor intensive and involved murder at the hands of the government. So, I’ve decided to interpret it as I see fit. http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/09/top-10-jobs-im-thankful-i-dont-have.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-6965466029891405887Mon, 23 Aug 2010 00:59:00 +00002010-08-23T09:30:18.516-04:00I was more social than studious in school. Shocker, I know. However, I loved opening my Blue Book at the beginning of the year and writing about what I did over my summer vacation. Since I rent this little space on the internet I’d like to share some of this summer’s highlights. Wiped my son’s asshole: For the first half of summer this act took place at his bequest every morning at 6:30 AM. I’dhttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/08/what-i-did-over-my-summer-vacation-by.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-2373994924010848108Tue, 01 Jun 2010 02:56:00 +00002010-05-31T23:00:33.288-04:00I’m pissed at Steve Jobs. Every other week this man invents something smaller and faster, designed to make life easier. Whose life exactly? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the fruits of his labor, but I could live without watching a movie on the toilet. You know what I can’t live without? A self loading and unloading dishwasher. The last time I checked I only had a washer and dryer. Where the fuck ishttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/05/housewife-of-tomorrow.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-973663116559376170Fri, 21 May 2010 04:14:00 +00002010-05-24T16:26:20.607-04:00My daughter is enamored with my husband and honestly I can’t blame her. He’s a rock star in our house. So much so that my birthday card this year was a picture she drew of him. When I asked her why my card was a picture of daddy she said, “So you can think of him.” Ummm okay? A few days later she tells me, “I want daddy to do my eye drops. I’m just really attached to him right now. I mean, I likehttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/05/oedipus-and-electra-went-up-hill.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-5608689554454560742Thu, 01 Apr 2010 02:34:00 +00002010-03-31T22:43:25.428-04:00I like to think my husband and I are good parents. When our children ask us tough questions, we straddle the line between telling the truth and seeking advice from Noggin. Hey, it's preschool on TV. Until recently this has worked like a charm. This past Sunday, our children watched “101 Dalmatians.” Our 6 year old daughter was deeply affected by this cute Disney movie about kidnapping, thieves http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/03/keeping-up-with-madoffs.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-4634250267949488871Thu, 25 Mar 2010 03:37:00 +00002010-03-25T09:15:47.998-04:00The other day I was at a friend’s house when I heard my 4 year old yelling for me to “wipe his ass.” This child could potentially go off to college not knowing how to properly clean his Holey-O. After I did my motherly duty, I asked my daughter why she didn’t come and get me. I expected her to give an excuse involving Polly Pockets and their ongoing drama. Instead she said, “Because he told us tohttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/03/power-to-penis.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-8924409629829739361Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:33:00 +00002010-03-11T23:34:42.374-05:00For the past few weeks my daughter has been carting around a dirty, pink sock with crumpled up paper taped on for eyes and a mouth. I’ve come to learn this is her imaginary friend, “Socky.” She started telling me Socky’s likes and dislikes and asked if she could take him to school. My first instinct was to tell her no. I’m not sure you can get away with talking to yourself in Kindergarten. Thenhttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/03/oh-little-playmate.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-1691717022270238790Thu, 18 Feb 2010 05:18:00 +00002010-02-18T08:55:17.819-05:00I had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s. It was kind of a big deal although I’m pretty sure all we did was eat and wear hats. Regardless, it was the shit. The 70’s and 80’s were The Golden Ages of The Golden Arches. Ronald even had an entourage. Grimace, The Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, and some Fry Guys were The Trans Fat Pack. McDonald’s was all about people deserving a break and by break they meanthttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/02/scarlet-arches.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-7762061253862350477Tue, 02 Feb 2010 05:44:00 +00002011-05-05T16:32:33.881-04:00Dear Oprah, I heard you’re retiring. I gotta be honest with you I have mixed feelings about this. It seems hasty to me. Don’t you think it’s a little irresponsible to inspire a pant suited army and simply walk away? I’d feel more settled if you would appoint a successor, but not one like that hairless testicle, Dr. Phil. You were dead on with Mhemet Oz though. He eye fucked me into getting a http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/02/dear-oprah.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-1203913346507982797Mon, 25 Jan 2010 02:02:00 +00002010-01-26T17:41:35.998-05:00My 5 year old daughter adheres to a strict moral code. Her right wing tendencies first emerged when she saw a man with long hair. She looked horrified and said, “Is that a girl?” I informed her that this lovely creature was in fact a man with long hair. She shot back, “Mama. Only girls have long hair. Boys don’t have long hair.” We went back and forth until I realized she wasn’t backing down http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/01/i-birthed-republican.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-1616256922666977033Thu, 14 Jan 2010 02:23:00 +00002010-01-13T21:23:02.546-05:00I have a love hate relationship with my boobies. They’ve gone up and down in size for various reasons over the years, but they’ve never been small. It’s been a blessing and a curse. Sometimes they get me things and sometimes they just get in the way. If I misjudge a bite or a sip by even a centimeter, I take it on the boob. Then I’m stuck with coffee, sauce etc. on my tits drawing even more http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/01/i-have-big-breasts-and-i-can-not-lie.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-5397808057948026081Thu, 07 Jan 2010 05:20:00 +00002010-01-07T00:30:17.804-05:00Time seems to be going by really, really fast. Remember when a year seemed like forever? Now seasons are blending and things are shifting which is making my nipples perk up and pay attention to those darn Mayans. I will disclaim right now I know nothing about the Mayans other then they are dead and want us to die a fiery death on December 21, 2012. Who the fuck follows the Mayan calendar? I know http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2010/01/you-want-piece-of-me.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-6400410248659539580Thu, 24 Dec 2009 05:11:00 +00002009-12-24T17:21:30.853-05:00Lately I find myself day dreaming about Roman orgies. Frankly, it’s why I never remember to pick up my husband’s dry cleaning. The early stages of parenthood have been some of the unsexiest years of my life. I’m not gonna bore you with the multitude of ways my children earned their black belts in cockblocking. However, no one should ever hold a baby monitor to their ear while also holding a dickhttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2009/12/38-is-newwhore.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-2286069439933311768Tue, 08 Dec 2009 03:56:00 +00002009-12-08T07:58:21.705-05:00I’ve noticed a new trend lately and it’s freaking me out. People are using their dogs as air bags. These people love their pets so much they are willing to risk their life and mine so “Bingo” can experience the freedom of the open road. There has to be a law against this, right? This goes way beyond cell phones. A cell phone doesn’t step on your balls or lick your gums while you sing “Rosanna” athttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2009/12/get-out-of-my-dreams-and-into-my-car.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-4402945021949949174Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:08:00 +00002009-11-30T22:10:50.153-05:00I feel so geriatric saying this but, they just don’t make television shows like they used to. Specifically, what ever happened to the ABC After School Special? I think today’s teens are partially in a shit storm because they’re missing valuable life lessons brought to them by B list actors. You don’t think I became the well informed woman I am today because of solid parenting? Hell no! Helen http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2009/11/gumballs-of-wisdom.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-5758793445480355876Fri, 20 Nov 2009 04:11:00 +00002009-11-19T23:14:53.544-05:00Once upon a time there lived a Fairy Princess. She wasn’t particularly fair or dainty and most princes paid her no mind. Her parents weren’t regal and instead of a castle she lived in a tiny studio apartment. However, she loved the gays, making her a FAIRY PRINCESS. This Fairy Princess has been waving the rainbow flag since she was a small child. She quickly realized the importance of having a http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2009/11/fairy-tale.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-5163882865925570153Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:07:00 +00002009-12-10T11:16:02.897-05:00My 5 year old daughter is a Jr. Gynecologist. She loves her vagina and at her age, what’s not to love? It’s cooler than her arm and her brother doesn’t have one. I’ve encouraged this burgeoning relationship not because I’m all "Our Bodies Ourselves" but because I’m the Ghost of Vagina Future. I view my vagina like a Gremlin. It’s cute and fuzzy but requires a lot of maintenance and must never behttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2009/11/vagina-manual.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5400598657939467065.post-8106558275125931962Sun, 01 Nov 2009 22:30:00 +00002009-11-02T09:42:55.409-05:00There are legions of reasons why I love being a parent. But like any job, there are certain tasks which suck more than others. I mean, who enjoys cleaning fryer fat vats or handing out coupons wearing a donut costume? I’m not talking about the obvious parental tasks like potty training or that cyclical bitch, laundry. The tasks which plague me are the ones I like to refer to as, The Fine Print.Ihttp://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/2009/11/bitching-for-sake-rice-wine.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Lady Of The House)15